It’s 6:09 pm somewhere. Do you know how many farm animals your mother has fucked today?

Before your mother, I’ve never met a woman who insists to taste her own shit after pulling my cock out of her ass. Your mom’s the best!

It’s really crazy that your mother didn’t smother you as a child, given the sheer amount of cock she took in your presence.

Well, I’m kind of forced to keep your mom’s mouth stuffed with cock, because when it isn’t she just goes on and on about what a disappointment you are and how your real father could be like 20 different guys.

Perhaps not for the thousand or so people she gave Hep C to, but those are the risks when you knowingly fuck a whore like your mother.

Trust me, we all know your mother, and stock up on penicillin because of it. The things she’s able to do with bus tokens would scar you for life.

Just like your mom gets a lot of cock at the bus station

I guess the 60,000 fans in attendance and the million or so viewers on ESPN watching at home don’t count. Go back to writing under Iron Mike Gallego, because I’d be embarrassed to put my real name on such a piece-of-shit effort.

Trimming toenails is just a pain in the ass, anyway.

This fuckstick is banking on brands will see his increased traffic and propel him as an influencer. I mean, it won’t work, but there enough single-called creatures in the marketing game that it’s not crazy that he could slither his way into some more cash.

That’s what happens when you be ballin on the wrong side of the tracks.

I’m just glad that Drew exposed Douche for the hunk of garbage he really is. I’d be appalled that he’s teaching Columbia journalism students, but those idiots are seeking a Master’s in a dying industry. Fuck them. They deserve Douche.

You forgot to carry the one ...

Well, you’re a dick, and you’ve made clear to all that you’re a joke ...

Maybe he means that journalists who don’t get their parent company sued out of existence are the heroes, or at least mythical figures, as he’s never met any of those.

You really underestimate the effort it takes to take a superstar’s fully engorged penis and put it in your mouth while also drinking an Ameicano with four shots of espresso added. Making matters worse is the realization that you have to perform several more celebrity blowjobs later in the day and repeat the process…

That’s some prime quality Ed Anger-styled venom. Now, if Deaspin could stop ignoring all the Martian saucers and such ...

Work off that debt, Fuckface

You, sir, are a MOE-ron ...

More than half!