Happy Birthday! I will spend it by frying some chicken, wonder why it hasn’t come out the way it does in your videos, and then giving up and going to a local restaurant where I will do my best to not be a completely insensitive oaf to the waitstaff.

I just know that when they’ve been on Colbert (more than once), they’re just smarmy-looking dudes in skinny ties, looking way too sure of themselves.

“Nope, not tonight.”

Oh definitely—doggie bags are a pretty uniquely American phenomenon.

Yeah, classic example.  But Platt’s flagrant’s a lot easier to prove than Capone’s bootlegging and murder.

It’s the equivalent of going to jail not because of the vehicular manslaughter you just committed, but because you were doing 60 in a 35 zone.

To be fair, I’m not sure if I’d be paying much attention at a DIII game either.

Bringing a plastic container to fill it up with formerly-warm egg and sausage is way too much. But if the conference is busy and I might not have time to eat, I don’t have a huge problem with grabbing two (small, they’re always small because they know they’re going to take them anyway) bananas.

As a college student…

“Color Analyst” after the flagrant, having clearly paid attention: “If Platt gets a technical, he’s out of the game.”

Didn’t look like a foul by Tenaglia on Platt on the other end; little or no contact, and I think Platt was kicking his legs out.

So either at least one of them is gone, or at least one of them will have to sacrifice lots and lots of millions of dollars to keep the team together.

Just did it, awesome! Way better than waiting in line at the local Chick-fil-A for 20 minutes with a bunch of insurance execs staring at their phones.

I’ve just listed my shoes on Ebay and Craigslist.

Everyene at Fox is too busy auditioning/judging the auditions for the new Roger Ailes Showtimes series with Russell Crowe.

You must not be familiar with all the warm, fuzzy, non-critical comments I leave for Melo-related pieces.

Melo’s only 520 points behind Kevin Garnett for top-20 all time scoring, 1117 behind Dominique for top-15.

I’m not saying the guy is selfish and only cares about his stats and money, but should be true himself and hang around by whatever means to get to those milestones.

Keep shooting your shot, Melo.

This is a really thoughtful piece, thanks.

One also thinks of those mechanistic natural philosophers from the 17th/18th centuries who saw animals as machines. That meant that it was fine to do live vivisections on them: since animals were machines, then their cries as they were being cut open were not from pain, but…

It may take a few run-throughs but I think I get it. But shouldn’t step 5 be “Getting hit by a bus?”

Be sure to pair it with some Trader Joe’s turkey & stuffing kettle chips.

And be sure to stock up on seasonal stuff too before Thanksgiving. Trader Joe’s has their turkey stuffing kettle chips out, and it is glorious.

The wonderful thing about the NFL is that it has no shortage of avatars.

Someone create an account for Rae Carruth now that he’s out of prison.

Sure. But I want getting out of the Splinter greys permanently as payment.