Looooooooooooooooool

Sadly, yes. But watching the meltdowns would be fun.

You guys. I met Jack Johnson.

I actually heard Jack Johnson yesterday for the first time in years and years in a shop and remembered that he was a thing. You work in mysterious and wonderful ways, universe.

I just finished registering for classes next semester and I read that as "stupid and Tuesday/Thursday".

Will you please Dream-Tivo that Rickman thing for me? I MEAN FOR MY FRIEND. Not Me. She (not me) writes Snape Fanfic on occasion. NOT ME!

Psssst. Don't let women know I've told you this. Often those slightly sweaty women in jeans and t-shirts, who you mysteriously still find sexy are wearing "natural" makeup and know how their asses look in those jeans. At the very least, if it were me, and I actually wasn't wearing makeup, you'd be asking me if I were…

My husband has a baritone voice and a Scottish accent. He can tell me "I'm off to the shops to get cat litter" and I'm ready to drag him into bed.

*pssst*

It may not be the same thing, but from anecdotal experience I can confirm that my wife found it extremely annoying when I would whisper dirty things to her. I don't know if the fact that we were in church had anything to do it.

But I think that's really because we're socially conditioned to think it's weird and off-putting for a man to want to try to be sexy - because women are supposed to be the objects of desire, not men. It's the same as how we would find it weird for a man to wear a thong or strike a sexy pose (though those things seem…

This is why I've given up speaking to people I find attractive. Now, I just carry a horn. Oddly, I'm doing about as well as I was before. AHWOOOOOOOOGA!

women can talk like sexy babies and remain appealing, but men cannot.

One summer when I was a kid, we were heading home from some family vacation—I don't remember where, I just remember it was a pretty long car ride. I had grabbed a granny smith apple to have as a snack in the car, but I ended up absentmindedly fidgeting with it the whole time, rolling it around in my hands, tossing it…

My favorite fact about myself is that a phone call from Ted Kennedy once interrupted a threesome I was having.

Hey yo! Ancestry.com addict up in the house. I am related to John Proctor (of the Salem Witch Trials). Witches and pirates, fuck yeah!

Look, just because I rely on stars from Jezebel commenters to feel good about myself doesn't mean I have low self-esteem, ok?

I wouldn't say it's my favourite fact about myself, but I've been researching my family history for shits and giggles and I think I'm related to Blackbeard.