fielders shifted to left field when he batted

This kid sneaking into a basketball game is the downfall of America.

My secret motivation is sex. Almost everything I do relates back to my desire to impress the opposite sex in order to gain favor and hopefully, one day, finally get it “in the hole.”

About time you showed face.

You don’t even understand that burrito bowls are better how am I supposed to trust your sports takes now

Come see my band The Hemorrhaging Clicks this weekend at the Bottleneck. We’re kind punk mixed with Billy Joel.

Pretty sure that no one was on your lawn, sir.

A kid at my old high school was arrested for selling pot. His bail? $25,000. If they have done this before, I can’t see why $1,000 would even seem justifiable.

They assaulted a woman! Also, nearly killed a man or something unimportant.

That makes no sense.

I’ll punch you in the low-hanging fruit

God is so good.

“I hate America,” Curry said. “We [The Warriors] burn an American flag before every game, it’s a tradition.”

I rarely find thinking fun. I only think when I really don’t have anything else to do. Thinking is rarely my go to choice for fun activities.

All I know is that there must be some VERY chill smallmouth bass swimming in the Mississippi River this spring.

Do you wanna do some blow man?

1. Change things.

This is the slogan for my new Chicago Bears themed gay bar.