I for one will be disappointed if Golden State chooses not to go to Washington. Opportunities like this come along once in a lifetime, if that. I think the Warriors, provided they receive an invitation, had better think long and hard about how to respond. It is a personal meeting with the Goddamn President of the…

Except in cases where you’re required to by an HOA, care about your property values, or care about your relationship with your neighbors.

My grandfather never smiled or laughed that I ever heard except at this scene.

Then change the photo. I’d have sex with Kate Beckinsale under almost any circumstance I can think of, and many that I have not.

My freshman year of college, I completed the “pizza two mile” with several of my cross-country teammates. One whole Papa John’s large cheese pizza, eight laps on a track. Eat a slice, run a lap, continue for eight of each. I finished the ordeal in 16 minutes and 17 seconds, and it remains both my greatest athletic and…

Banana Slugs being a shitty team name is a bad, bad take.

Um, if it had nothing to do with the city, then why is the T-Rex short for Torontosauras Rex, idiot.

Once i found a card in my brother’s truck that was signed by all his coworkers expressing condolences on the death of his father. Our dad was very much alive at the time. Yes, my brother is that guy.

How the fuck is Kawhi landing on Zaza’s foot ‘Zaza Pachulia came down hard on Kawhi Leonard’s foot’?

Kathy Ireland, man.

Hell yeah. When I was apartmenting, I had a nice little cast iron hibachi I’d use out on the balcony. Just big enough for a pound of porterhouse, two burgers, or a big slab o’ squid.

I think so!

“He is fine and the shoulder is something that just disappears into the woodwork when he wins his next MVP or when he wins a Super Bowl.”
“His next? He’s never won either of those things, Mr. Irsay.”
“Shhh...you hear that? It’s the shoulder, quietly disappearing into the woodwork.”  
“Do you know what a shoulder even is?”
…

“What advantages does this war have over, say, an ethnic cleansing, which I could also afford?”

She said the Russians killed Andrew Breitbart and that they control the wi-fi in her neighborhood. I try to hold people to a standard above saying stuff like that.

Ordering for my kids sounds like Trump calling a Russian escort service: Give me three 5's and a 6.

More like the Fart of the Repeal, ammirite?

“I Can’t Vibe 55”

Speaking of human sexuality courses: a friend had a class at UT with Vince Young and when the professor asked one day for people’s ideas of foreplay, Vince said “that’s like sucking on titties and what not”