He’s an inch of beard away from a drone strike.

I try to give it to my wife after every Browns win. I should just be a priest.

I haven’t seen a girl eat that much hardwood floor since softball hazing.

I’m just busting balls. I lived in Park Slope and Brooklyn Heights. Although that was 20 years ago and no one knew what a hipster was.

As long as it tastes like an old penny, I’m down with it. Coffees ok also.

I hope you choke on your craft falafel while you wait for the Q train.

Then the had Shaq try. He bricked it so bad the damn broke. 23,456 Swiss people were killed in the ensuing flood.

That kind of disrespect deserves a good tongue lashing, if he here ten years younger.

Deerly beloved...

I got the “C” and the “T”, I’ll save the “E” for the Big Show!

Somebody in the house has to take a punch when the wife is out of town.

19 year old - Full of angst. Used to be in person, now text messages from college.

Blood. Learn how to cook bitch.

My Cleveland Force 1994 MISL World Champions shirt is still in my rotation.

Voting Machine: “Thank you for voting for Hillary Clinton.”

“We’ll beat these Germans at least once this century.”

Roofie the old man.

That damn kid at the end of St. Elsewhere to stop shaking the snow globe.

Somebody clearly hacked her esophagus and leg accounts.

Fucking Harvard kids, always have to get a judgmental word in.