What’s the point if you’re not growing your own broccoli and milking your own cows and culturing your own cheese?

I bet you could write an amazing behind - the - scenes book.

Discovery Channel turned down my “Making Bigfoot” pitch, where every week I would meet a different type of ape or monkey, and then shave it so it looks like a bigfoot.

I didn’t know there was a new season of Finding Bigfoot this year!

Hey you got engaged?  Congrats!

It’s rare to see one with such prominent jowls.

By comparing the two, you have insulted this dog’s honor.  Pistols at dawn, sir!

“Shit like this is way too complicated for trump to understand, which is why someone should have accidentally run [him] over ... with a humvee.”

That’s it? Drew will be so disappointed in us. Those replies should be overflowing with every kind of obscene filth.

Trump’s real problem is that he’s an old racist who has been entitled idiot his entire life and is now suffering from symptoms of dementia.

I’m sure your 3-year old reads at a much higher level as well

“I’m a UX Designer for Gatr, a social app that matches up eligible gators with humans looking to wrestle those gators.”

Fine, I’ll just eat handfulls of these chocolate chips instead.

The crappy part is that anything you eat could potentially kill you, and not eating anything at all will definitely kill you.  Thanks a lot, CDC.

“Good news, team - we are going to be able to save so much money on the Sonic movie by just taking clips of Usain Bolt, tinting his skin blue and photoshopping a “Sonic” head on top.”

“His chief promises were that he would build the wall, defund Planned Parenthood and repeal Obamacare, and he hasn’t done any of those things,”

When Jefferson won, John Adams took his personal belongings and left the capitol in the middle of the night.

“Thank you for joining us for this service. You know, they always tell you not to say negative things about a person at their funeral.

Message to the Colts: perhaps if you had tried scoring points on offense

It’s actually both. Remember in ‘96 when they deputized an Infant Cop to fight crime? This is him now.