(slams window shut) (opens window back up) AND BUILD SOME AFFORDABLE HOUSING UNITS (quickly shuts window before hail of eggs pelts him)

Great, now they’ll put all their energy into devising another disastrous land campaign in Southeast Asia

Three words: John Torturro’s accent.

We ran a kickstarter and all we can currently afford is the guy who played Epstein on Welcome Back Kotter who unfortunately is deceased and the lesser Murray who was in Moving Violations with Jennifer Tilly.

P.S. This is why it’s the greatest Coen Bros. movie

Firing Roger Goodell and replacing him with another underqualified, gormless meat puppet is like Jeff Dunham ‘firing’ Peanut in favor of the grumpy old dude or the jalapeno on a stick.

(Zobrist with Royals) (Royals win championship) (signs with Cubs) (Cubs win championship) (traded to Twins) (Twins go 61-101 and miss playoffs by 25 games) (Twins management shakes him to see if he’s broken)

At least the owner won’t take his fan-fleecing largess and help to fund an ostensibly Latino pro-Trump Super PAC with Sheldon “Withered Emperor of Las Vegas” Adelson

I propose that they be re-named the Cleveland Toreadors, in honor of Roger Dorn giving ground balls the “olé bullshit” in practice

So is this a cricket article?

You’ve got to kiss an angel good morning, and let her know you’ll think about her when you’re gone with like 6000 annoying text messages many of which convey no useful information whatsoever and are in fact a co-dependent cry for help

Hopefully the Indians can win the World Series next year, meaning that the city* with the longest continuous** World Series drought will be... HOUSTON (57 years)

It would have been 86 years but your fucking cheapskate owner and a bunch of graft-hungry players nearly killed the game by throwing the Series.

Who’s going to comfort me when there’s a 108-year drought on Deadspin stories about half-completed Wrigley Field bathrooms littered with urine-filled cups

My Grandpa is still waiting for the Houston Gamblers to win an USFL championship. He’s not all there and in a home. If he pisses me off I’ll tell him the news AND that the guy who imploded the USFL might be elected President.

(prints out dictionary definition of “famous”) (puts it in office paper shredder while playing Jim Carroll’s “People Who Died”)

I’m just pissed that he ruined the Simpsons recording classic “Do The Bartman”

“Joe, I’ve assembled a can’t-lose roster.”

I know what the average Cubs fan is thinking: “When I was a kid in Palo Alto in the 1980s a funny looking drunk guy sang about Cracker Jacks and Cubbies on basic cable!”

I just keep thinking “That’ll be me in 2060 as I sit through the combined Texans/Astros drought.” Then I think no way am I or the habitable planet making it that long.