I know what the average Cubs fan is thinking: “When I was a kid in Palo Alto in the 1980s a funny looking drunk guy sang about Cracker Jacks and Cubbies on basic cable!”

I just keep thinking “That’ll be me in 2060 as I sit through the combined Texans/Astros drought.” Then I think no way am I or the habitable planet making it that long.

I mean stop complaining, after all the 1908 win was the second of back-to-back championships and you won those win a combined 8-1 record. The universe is 13.7 billion years old, for shit’s sake! Now look what you’ve done, the entire ESPN featured sidebar is full of Darren Rovell vomiting up Cubs-related memorabilia…

Technically you were an infant when the Royals won in 1985. You shouldn’t have taken it for granted.

I got my two Rockets’ championships right after I moved back to Houston after college and was just legal to drink, so that’s a lifetime of memories made and erased in short order. The Astros could still surprise me, but they (1986, 2015) and the Oilers (every goddamn year in the Warren Moon era) are the kings of blown…

I mean what the fuck is a West Ham, is that like Honeybaked in some weird part of flyover country

In addition to calling for a bounty, he advocated amphetamine usage by defensive backs, a/k/a quicker picker uppers

I think this dovetails with that Gawker family of websites story about energy drinks and liver failure.

Jumbo Shrimp? I guess a nickname based on the native populace/economy, the Jacksonville Oxy Morons, was too on-the-nose.

(buys Concourse for 28 cents and an expired cat food coupon)

2001 World Series?

“These Are Your Five Favorite Bath Mats”

“These Are Your Five Favorite Bath Mats”

True fact of the day: a young Joe Maddon played the dude toting around the radioactive alien in Repo Man.

Watch an Adult Attempt To Write A Basketball Article For the First Time

Step one, and I cannot emphasize this enough, is “Be born in the West Indies”

Only fitting that this article will take several days to read.

Careful, the tectonic plates are uneasy enough as it is with subduction and fracking.

So is he the guy that developed Timberlake boots for hip-hoppers like Big Father Kain and Cool Mo Zee?

Hopefully somebody at Univision Deportes HQ can correlate the occurrence of SICK warm-up shots with INSANE game-time performances vis-a-vis Mr. Curry. Don’t publish the results, though, keep us in suspense.

“Hey Rocky! Watch me as I pull a...”