Because Trump’s stuff is always bigger, better, more delicious, shinier and more expensive than yours...by at least a factor of five. We all knew/know people like him who operate on a smaller level. If you got a new car, their’s is better. If you bought a new house, they’ll tell you that they were going to move to…

Unless our next president is Satan, himself, he/she is going to look cherry next to this horrific mess of a man.

Why are all of his statements couched in the most ridiculous superlatives? WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT YOUR SHITTY CHOCOLATE CAKE OR HOW BIG IT WAS!!!!

I have stopped reading verbatim quotes or listening to anything Trump says because 1) I can literally feel my IQ declining just by reading his word-barf and 2) it immediately instigates an overpowering urge to self-medicate.

I’m just waiting for our new gold-leaf missile nose-cones, frankly, maybe with some interesting baroque arabesques (also in gold) on the sides of the tube to add interest, and maybe some rich brocade to liven up the stabilizers. Maybe fringe on the trailing edges for dramatic effect?

I don’t know. I don’t think it distracts from the truly evil shit they do, it just serves as a reminder of the difficulty the most powerful man in the country has forming a coherent sentence.

Considering he has the mental capacity of a preteen I’m surprised he didn’t go with 69.

I am surprised he stopped at 59 missiles. 60 would have really been something to brag about.

Fuuuuuuuuck. His word vomit is so painful to even read. Guys... it hasn’t even been 3 months.

He thought he was launching against Agrabah. There was a very bad sorcerer there. Very snaky. Very bad. Young man who wanted the princess, and could use help from some Tomahawk missiles.

Well, at least he remembered how big the cake was. The devil is in the details, you know?

Being hunted by the Illuminati would be about the coolest thing that’s ever happened in my definition-of-banal life.

The whole family is channeling the 90's, hard. To me, he also looks like Odo. (Apologies to Rene Auberjonois.)

It’s the amuse bouche. The entree is orphan with a side of unicorn puree.

Why simply have a marble fireplace with gold accents when you can cover your whole tacky ridiculous apartment in it?

“Trump has no ties with Russia”

1991: Bret Easton Ellis publishes a controversial novel, a sort of brutal dark comedy of the lifestyles of New York’s most useless rich, young men. Despite the novel’s final act, many people insist the grotesque acts of violence are really committed by the protagonist, rather than merely being his sick fantasies, and…

They always look like either serial killers or village idiots.