Counterargument:  Nah, fuck him

Fine, then sit in the No Fucking section, killjoy.

I won’t be happy until this guy is behind uneven bars

Oh don’t worry, Embiid will.

I can’t be the only person who thinks that stupid, right?

Davis was told he would get beef if he said something.

Todd Helton had a career batting average of .622 (look it up) and no one gives a shit.

This guy is definitely THE biggest dickhead on earth.

I’ve found them to come in quite handy on a golf course.

I had no idea that Horse Balls was on the roster before Sunday [That reference is so old, it has almost completely disappeared from the internet]. This team absolutely fucking sucks.

Eli Manning Dislikes:

“It's more fun if you use a sippy cup, Odell!" --Eli

Meanwhile, Eli just finished his second bottle of glue.

Bullshit. I wake up early to run all the time (we’re talking 4 or 5 am, and 9 or 10 miles, 6 days a week), and I NEVER mention that I do it all the time (basically no matter what the weather is - freezing cold or steaming up hot - because I’m that dedicated to waking up early, like 3 am and going on 15 mile runs every…

Eh, Machado about nothing, if you ask me. 

When I was a kid my parents told me that the pipes from the toilet went to a separate place from the pipes from the shower, and I didn’t realize they were lying until I bought my house.

You pee BEFORE you get in the shower? Why?

“It’s less about impressing women than it is ensuring that they are not profoundly horrified by you.”

That’s a good way to ruin a clock.

No, you burn them in front of your in-laws.