It's actually more like an asshole swallowing itself

If you were banking on Fitzmagic being a Thing for more than 3 weeks, then buddy the fantasy player who deserves to die a slow death is: you. 

“From Billy Joel to Train” sounds like Brett Kavanaugh’s post-rape hangover Spotify mix.

Why isn’t it called ‘Teenage Wasteland’?

Oh, it turns out the doctor was his mother, and the reason she couldn’t operate was she had puked and pissed on herself.

DON’T RECORD ME DOING A RACISM!!!!

Bitch.... Michelle O accomplished more in her life BEFORE she became first lady than you and your whole tornado bait trailer trash family have ever even read about. Double Ivy League Graduate. Lawyer. Hospital Administrator. Mother. Go getter. Accomplisher of many things, not the least of which is to be married to a…

I swear to God if you ever take Jim Tomsula Lifehacks away from this column I will hunt you down and be really super passive-aggressive about it.

This dude was yodeling while he was pissing, and didn’t stop until he was done.

Filed to: BREAKIN NOOZ, GUY

Is this really the world we want to live in, where we scour through people’s social media posts to find something questionable they said TWO DAYS AGO to destroy their careers?  Honestly, who even cares what a school superintendent said when he was only 53 years and 263 days old?  How do you know he isn’t a completely…

They’re on top of the world and are in control of the whole game, but can’t stop playing the victim card and whining like pathetic losers about how much everyone is out to get them. It’s not only annoying, it’s completely counterproductive, as they’re going to wake up soon on the bottom of the world, with no one to…

I’ll tell you what always worked best for me...pipe cleaners.

20-25 percent of NFL players are able to come back

That’s a damn cool poster.

Look, if I’d known this punk rock performance might contain disrespectful words directed toward oppressive authority figures, I never would’ve come.

My ex-wife and her husband, both MAGA hat wearing Blue Lives Matter 3%ers, went to see Roger Waters earlier this year. They lasted three songs.

It won’t last. Trust me: I have shepherded three kids into their double digits. The kids will be come intransigent at some point digging in on something such as anti-rice or monogamy viz. chicken fingers. You are so fucked and you don’t even know it. My middle daughter - brilliant and about as pleasant a teenager as…

Oh man, that is ‘Burbs jr.  I swear if I didn’t yell at him 10 times during breakfast, he’d still be sitting at the table with half an eggo waffle at lunch time.  I was worried when he started kindergarten that he wouldn’t have time to eat since they give kids like 7 minutes these days.  Apparently he gets through his…

My kids are not picky eaters. With few exceptions, they’ll eat just about everything and are actually pretty adventurous eaters (my 9-year-old especially seeks out new and weird stuff like dehydrated insects and crazy seafood), but getting them to actually physically move the food from their plate to their mouth is…