Looks like his career is going...in a negative direction based on a punishment for a substance that does less harm to lives and bodies than the opioids that are routinely prescribed for pain.

“I don’t do crack.”

Why does Terrell Owens hate the troops?

“I’ve found that most threats of violence that are yelled out of Volkswagen Jettas are unfounded.” 

Given that they used a U2 song I feel pretty confident saying nobody did it to brandish their good taste.

My best friend and I dressed up as Burt and Ernie for halloween about 8 years ago. Went out and got pretty hammered at the bars, and then I see down the street, Cookie Monster, just standing there. Well I thought it was a good idea to jump on his back, we both fell to the ground, and that’s when I feel a shot to the…

He just wanted to take a gander at the scores around the league.

If it’s a good for the Michigoose, it’s good for the Michigander.

Do you even work for the deep state, bro??!!?!!?

I can’t believe you doxxed @CelticsChant, a satirical performance you just don’t understand and have no business judging.

Will Tom Brady Sit, Stay, or Play Ball?

Eric Bledsoe doesn’t seem to be familiar with Terry Rozier.

Plyaoff Dwyane Wade!

This man will not shut up or dribble.

The dodger did win.

Rodriguez:: “Alright, take this to Kinkos and make twenty copies. In color!”

Tough decision. His heart is between a rock and a hard place.

That joke is so awful that it might actually be more offensive than the blatant racism.

You know, this is the part where some obnoxious hardcore fan of one or both of the sports in question would show up and explain, at length, why this is such a dumb and wrong take. But instead, it is I—not a particular fan of either sport—who will be explaining, very briefly, that this is such a dumb and wrong take.