I would have a big house in the woods with 20 dogs and no people.

If you look up the history of spinsters, they were actually highly paid independent women. I aspire to be a spinster.

I mean not many wives would react that way to tragedy, I know mine wouldn’t

I really don’t care, do u?

We call her House Panther all the time! She can be so graceful and stalks around like this beautiful jungle cat....then she does a weird derpy back-flip, screams, and runs out of the room for no reason.

She’s great. Except when you’re trying to sleep and there are just two glowing green orbs in your closet staring at…

I prefer ‘spinster’, myself.

I’ve been sober almost 6 years. I would live vicariously through you.

The sane ones among us would dance on his grave.

I am looking forward to the animated gif of Ivanka performatively dabbing her waterproof mascara with a handkerchief.

I don’t think one single person would be sad if he died. Melania would just go spend money.

She tweeted herself a happy birthday message?? WTF is that?

Ew.

I hope she gets a case of bubonic plague for her special day.

You guys are awesome. It is not hyperbole to say that this site often gets me through the day. Keep up the good work, and for the love of god do not stick to sports.

This, so much this.

This

And despite your corporate overlords telling you to stick to sports, I hope Deadspin never does because

and I can’t emphasize this enough

I come to Deadspin BECAUSE YOU DON’T JUST STICK TO SPORTS

Have any of you been to Southeast DC lately? May I interest you in a 1 bed, 1 bath 700 sq. ft. condo for half a million dollars?