@Chris Hanson's Axe: Listen here, you jump cow. That's a rabbit turd call! Everyone could molesting see that Kool-Aid drinker touched the moldy sac ! You're a real saggy sandy stain apple bag!

@Steve U: Thank you. I now have soup all over my laptop.

Who cares. Id rather play Wacky Mad Libs with Lou's more than often nonsensical rants. It might make more sense that way.

Why would I want to see photographs depicting 10 years of professional failure?

My tip of the day: If you rob the bank, Always use a Lebaron so you can blend back in with the rest of the half eaten shit in your neighborhood.

@TT-Zop: Jeff Goldblum concurs.

So, two ugly men square off in the battle of who gives a shit on a team which is viewed as highly irrelevant in a league that year after year continues to let the product on the field suck this much more more than the preceding season? Where do I sign?

I'm more worried about how the tax benefits are going to get staged and if that ride is going to chip into social security, by god.

Watch out for that facebook group! They've set their keyboards to "gives a shit without actually having to do anything."

So, Beyonce and Tune-up man (whoever the fuck that is) are targets yet Joe Buck, Tony Siragusa and to a lesser extent Horatio Sans gets to live? What kind of shitty potential murderer are you?

Why pay $450 when I can masturbate, courtesy the internet, for free? Thanks Public Library!

As I've said in the past, It's not gay if you don't cum.

The only way I could accurately forecast the weather was by the direction Stuart Scott's eye was pointing. Now that I don't have his tweets what will I do?

This year, Detroit V. Oakland in the Super Bowl. Book it.

Not shown were the other 28 divorced unfaithful spouses where Ricky Henderson was once just being Ricky Henderson ... inside their vagina's.

@Big John: Goldberg?

Dear Melvin,

How I decide to murder myself in my own personal time is my personal choice, thank you very much. And yes, I plan on taking out everyone around me in the process.

How come no one ever lists the ump at that Enrico Palazzo, Angles/Mariners game? Lots of grandstanding and even pulls a gun. What a dick.

@Pareene: I love it. Have a heart.