Oh, shit.

Well the obvious answer is he lost it all via witchcraft. 

It’s also possible he may have had a trust or many trusts. A lot of rich people use trusts when doing their estate planning because trust documents never become public like a will.

Active as in not retired, and currently signed to a team.

Did he also have an interesting(i.e. wrong) interpretation of the offsides rule?

The helpful and informed man at the bar the other day advised me that, in fact, all soccer players are gay.

Certainly not anyone who ever saw “Julie and Julia” and thought, “Oh Jesus, can we just get back to Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci in Paris?” So, about 90% of the total audience, I’d guess, to the point where there’s a version called “Julia Sans Julie” that I think I’ve watched 100 times.

And yet nobody has eaten his face yet. 

God, he’s in the pocket of Big Asterisk now?

Agreed.

We covered Bad Brains more thoroughly in the very first Off The Charts (and generally speaking, we try not to repeat in these): https://www.avclub.com/bauhaus-run-dmc-cocteau-twins-and-other-should-ve-be-1822298731

If I married a woman stupid enough to run away with a "chef" that would be on me. 

“Do chefs hate my well-done burger request?”

Michelle only went sleeveless because she thought conservatives would love a free gun show

“The First Lady turned to the children and in a sweet but somber tone began, ‘I truly understand your pain. Day after day, trapped. You don’t know who you can talk to or who around you actually cares. Even with all the fancy toys,’ as she gestured to some games and potato chips the children had scattered around their…

Why does the Trump administration hate free market capitalism?

There’s that old Gawker feeling.

I can guarantee that Trump will “fix this” and change the policy, then Trump and the GOP will make victory lap congratulating themselves for ending this horrible situation caused by the Democrats.

The Brat’s in the Cradle

What kind of Leave it to Beaver family is this? When I get home my wife is drinking wine and watching the Bachelor, and my kids are texting each other from their adjacent bedrooms.