I think it's more along the lines of, scientists will find anything and write anything to get published.

Another reason I don't hang out with babies is because they're like, so little. It makes me feel fucking monstrous and really bad about myself. I mean, their waists are like the size of my knee. #babiesmakemefeelbad #gerberdiet

But I also heard that reading and seeing media about thin people makes you fat!!

This made me LOL... out loud. At my desk. Good thing no one was walking by.

That's 10lbs, right there! Resolution met!

This is not ridiculing weight regulation as much as it is all the conflicting advice we are given about weight regulation. Some of us are able to regulate our weight with diet and exercise, others, not so much, especially if they have a fucked up metabolism.

I like to be on top so I can constantly check my Fitbit and see how many calories I'm burning. Sorry, orgasm, you'll have to wait another 50 calories!

Look at you picking up a side job during the recession!

We can put lost coats and jackets on you!

Sorry, no. You also have to do those "polar bear plunge" things where you jump naked into an ice hole in a frozen lake. Otherwise all your effort will be for naught.

Then you have to watch out for that hair and nail weight.

I'm on this new photosynthetic diet and it's working great! I've never felt better. I'm staying slim, feeling alive, and my leaves have never looked greener!

I hate those "cool, fun" tips that tell you about how many (minimal) calories the things you do in the course of the day burn. I do not carry groceries to burn calories, or walk up my stairs for exercise, and I especially do not have sex to burn calories. Please do not make my fun sexy-times into calorie-burning…

"REAL MAMMALS HAVE CURVES!!!"

Don't do eat no food all the always sometimes.

The Complete Guide to Never Getting Fat:


Be dead.

I had an aunt talk to me about taking cold showers as a way to burn calories once. I was eight. That was a totally not fucked up conversation.

It really works! When nobody's around, I go skinny dipping in the liquid nitrogen tank. And I've lost so much weight, I'm basically nothing but bone now.