Growing Pains guest star Leonardo DiCaprio.

I wrote a letter to Mrs. Claus saying I "thought she would like a letter because her husband gets so much mail, and I thought she might feel overlooked when she was still an important part of Christmas".

When I was seven, I also drew a man and woman, anatomically correct and naked and stabbed with knives with the simple caption "YOU." I left the sketch taped to my grandfather's front door. He had just died, and my parents were selling his house. The realtor came by with a prospective couple, while I stood next door…

I has to go to therapy after my folks split (I think it was my mom's lawyer's idea or something? I dunno, I remember being that upset about tge divorce), and one of the things (the only thing) I would do was take her toys and arrange them into scenes in this sandbox. There used to be polaroids of tgem. I just remember…

When I was in 2nd grade, my class made gingerbread cookies. The teachers orchestrated an elaborate ruse where they pretended the gingerbread cookies ran away. They left flour trails around the school, and wrote messages from the gingerbread cookies with chalk. Messages like "Run run as fast as you can, can't catch…

One time when I was playing with the dolls that my grandmother would buy me in an attempt to make me a girly girl, I stripped the clothes off all of them except for one. I then arranged all of the naked dolls in a circle around the clothed doll, with their legs bent back and their arms up, clearly worshipping her. My…

When my dad was driving my brother, his friend and me home from school when I was in kindergarten, his friend was talking about how his class was having a Thanksgiving play. I thought to myself, "I want to be in a Thanksgiving play", so I chimed in that my class was having one too! I said that there were so many…

This is terrible but I was 4. My mother was pregnant with my brother and the hospital had these classes for kids that were about to become older siblings. We got to put on scrubs and go to the nursery, etc. Well, we proceed to visit the new babies and the nurse holds one of the babies up to the window for us to see…

There was this guy today at the cafe, where we were the only two people in the room, and he kept on staring at me, while I was eating, doing homework, and using the phone. And as I was using Tinder, I saw his profile, it was quite racially charged and full of fetishization (think confederate flags, Yellow Fever,…

Music snobs are already mad. This just adds to their I-like-music-more-than-you soundtrack.

False! Roman and Woody don't walk into the bar, because all the patrons are at least 21.

He is awesome. I love whenever he shows up in a guest appearance on stuff like Broad City, or all of his great characters on Portlandia. Plus he is fantastic on Silicon Valley.

Thanks, I always forget that. How can a mother of a daughter of sexual abuse support Polanski?! People are so confusing.

I was a nanny in France for a year.

No it was just one of the "very, very funny" ones! Sorry if that was confusing — it just made me laugh is all.

This is some brave shit.

We all should...

Every job interview ever when explaining why I was looking for a new job: "I've been there for awhile now, and I've learned so much, but I just need a new challenge!"

I was in my early 20's and seriously lacking in the judgment department. I spent the night at a friend's party drinking beer and getting high. Around 4am, I decided that I wanted to go home, and that I was sober enough to drive my car home the 3/4 of a mile to my house on residential roads. When I was at the final…