number 2 sounds like my worst nightmare

What the hell does your age have to do with loving cake? You’ll take my birthday cake out of my cold dead hands on my 101st birthday, when I die fighting some other bitch at the rest home for the corner piece, because that’s where all the icing’s at. THREE SURFACES OF FROSTING.

I think this is great. But do they have clothes that will actually fit?

YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH! (Roger Daltry scream)

I had a whole box full of books. Put it next to the mail box and two hours later everything but the box (and mail box) was gone.

You know, I read an entire page of poop humour, and your joke was the one that made me laugh out loud. Cheers!

And the food is shitty.

No, I heard it’s a dump.

I love you for all of this but mostly for saying “appropriate side of the sidewalk”. Stay to the right!

I might have tripped a couple of those people - not my fault if your not looking

My problem with people who read while walking is that they often drift or walk way more slowly than they normally would. Peripheral vision is great, but when there are 458931 pissed off New Yorkers trying to get out of the subway during rush hour, they’re in the way. Look up, walk to your destination, and read when…

This is also a good way to avoid me snapping my fingers in your face and feverishly whispering “GET OFF YOUR PHONE” while walking in NYC.

My favorite is when a texting person bumps into you and gives you a dirty look.

I’ve been encountering this a lot lately:

put the fame whores to bed- please..........some things need to be private, just no giving them attention feeds the wierd psychology

At least she didn’t ask what the heart tag with “GET OUT” engraved on it meant.

You know what’s awkward? Having an acquaintances 6 year old grab at my charm bracelet and then relentlessly beg me for two of the charms off of it.

oh my god, I just googled that dress and it’s INCREDIBLE.

To me, the end all be all clip was from the 2008 election when it came out that Bristol Palin was pregnant and Samantha Bee went to the RNC and got people to talk about how great it was that Bristol had “chosen” to keep the baby and they all got hung up on the word choice. So, so perfect.

Au contraire, “crack up” is not an inaccurate description of said poses.