I would be delighted to roll Drew Magary's penis around in my fingers anytime. Droooooool.

Would you consider going gay and gay marrying me? Thanking you in advance.

[N.B. offer void if you're ugly. You're fucking awesome and hysterical but I can't with ugly.]

Twitter is, how shall I put it, the peanut butter on dry Ramen of the internet. Heh. NO.

This made me break every Facebook I DON'T THINK YOU REALLY KNOW THIS PERSON WHICH MEANS *YOU'RE* A BAD PERSON AND STALKERISHY AND CREEPY rule about only friending people you actually "know" and I just sent you a friend request.

Uhm. I'm wearing a nice suit and I'm hot. Heh.

Please don't turn me in to the Facebook…

I too seriously value a very clean floor — I *just now* am sitting down for a quick break from mopping ALL of them — and I do it all on my hands and knees.

For me, the two tricks are just simply: 1) always do a very thorough job sweeping first, and 2) if you followed step 1 well enough, choose not to stress the…

Nah it doesn't. You're a tool.

**falls over; dies**

^ epic

That's hot.

The e-mail of the week takes place in Albany NY, the weekly summer festival is called Alive At Five, it is exactly as the LW describes it and I now make it my life mission to find out if I know this person and/or whether I've ever hooked up with "Grant."

Also: eeeewwwwwwwwwwwww.

To be fair, the Challenger *did* get off the ground.

This man is my new national hero.

Oh my God. +1

oh snap!

This is the most perfect comment ever to illustrate why nobody gives a flying fuck about Jezebel. Climb down, bitch. Climb down.

This is...uhm...kind of heartbreaking? What the fuck????

Yes — I completely got this wrong, and Kinja told me to go fuck a duck when I tried to edit it.

You're absolutely correct, and I realized my error right after I posted that but Kinja went crack baby on me and wouldn't let me edit. Cunt.

Side note: I'm pretty sure I'd bang this guy. He's aging frighteningly well.