I am really falling in love with Amy Schumer.,

I salute you from just a few years behind! I still have a few to give, but I’m definitely rationing them out at this point.

Madonna honey, I’m 64 and I can guarantee I have more fun than you because I’m not trying so hard — plus I’m not as clueless. And I give zero fucks about being relevant. Well, I pretty much give zero fucks about anything. At 64 my life’s supply of fucks to give has run out.

But he's a known micromanager who makes you go through too many bosses just to get anything done.

It's like Maddona tries and Cher just is.

He's literally a fedora and a can of Axe body spray away from hitting douchebro bingo.

She should have left her vagina at home that day if she didn’t want it to end up full of penises.

You shouldn’t have chosen to have a vagina if you didn’t want penises to be put in it all the time, slut.

Thank god this dumb disgusting entitled yeasty piece of smegma infused fecal matter is doing some time (though he should be doing ALOT more) & will have to register as the piece of crap he is. Hopefully the other girls get justice as well. What #Yesalldaughters did was incredible & the courage of the boy who handed…

If it’s any consolation, he hit on my friend in college and I stole his cell-phone number from her. I pretended to be her and led him on every time he was back in Boston, until I finally got him to show up at the Hotel Commonwealth and cut communication entirely. He got angry and vulgar; if Bob Saget thinks you’re a…

All the fellas used to call it a honey pot back in nineteen-dickety.

I really want to know, though

personal fave.

your opening line makes no sense and would cause floods

“I want to push your head down really hard while you give me head”

It’s mocking most late night interviews with women, but she specifically goes after Blake Lively. Not only with her fake name, but she directly quotes Blake telling David Letterman that she has a huge crush on him (to which Dave eventually responds “I’m three times your age”).

Am I having a stroke, or are her legs getting shinier and turning gold throughout the skit? Help?

When I saw this last night, I immediately thought of JLaw and Letterman.

WHAT THE FUCK.