My favorite part was when I closed the window.

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

“What’s homo milk? Is this milk from GAY COWS?!” he demands, utterly* seriously, even angrily.

I have it on very good authority from Strawberry Shortcake that Blueberry Muffin’s vagina* does, in fact, taste like blueberry.

Seriously, he sounds like he’s running for junior high class president with the amount of ridiculous things he is promising. “I promise, if I win, homework will be optional, tests will be scored by a friend of your choosing, lunches will be catered by Per Se and school will only be three days per week.”

Like my sister, who was such a coke fiend she lost her house in the 80s and who was on public assistance because her dumbfuck husband was in prison who NOW believes “People on public assistance should be drug tested.” Like that?

When I managed a Borders we were also responsible for this small calendar kiosk on the other side of the shopping center. I was there covering someone’s lunch break and this crazed woman came over demanding why we had no bichon frise calendars. The dog calendar people were always the weirdest.

I imagine this is what it’s like to work at Snopes.

In my 26 years of life I have seen countless friends and family members change their opinions on gay marriage. It’s not really a hard one to change people’s minds on.

Fuck it, I’m coming out of my self-imposed Gawker exile because you, sir, pissed me off. WHO gives a SHIT about her fucking moral opinions? WHO is interested in changing this piece of garbage’s mind? All that people are interested in is her upholding the fucking law, as she’s been ordered to do. The law doesn’t give a…

There is no Ecto cooler than you.

She’s been married four times. Divorce seems to be a part she skips over.

Has she issued licenses to divorced people? People who have had premarital sex? People who work on the day of rest? I mean, isn’t the Apostolic church all about taking the Bible literally? Fuck her.

You know she is continuing to refuse to issue licenses, right? She says her attorny from some christian college says she doesn’t have to while it’s on appeal. I hope she ends up in jail for contempt of court.

“She didn’t want Lilly to learn about black history,” he said, “She just wanted her to learn about the Confederacy.”

Heyyyyyyy..... I want to get that sandwich that you used to have? I think it’s on the Secret Menu now? I can’t remember the name of it but I know it comes with a sauce I don’t like so can I sub it for ranch instead? And can you make that on a gluten-free wrap? And grill it, but I don’t want it crispy?

“EAT YOUR SHAME CREATIONS IN SOLITUDE LIKE THE REST OF US, FREAK!”*

Some of these customers really need to learn when to keep stuff private. Like raw cake batter...whip up a cake mix and eat it at home. Hell, a lot of the brownie batter doesn’t make into the pan when I bake. Want to suck straight caramel sauce out of the jar or bag? Do so at home, treat yo self. You can even find…

Change is hard for some people. And there’s almost nowhere to buy a big screen black and white tv these days.