I have never been so afraid in my entire life as I was when I was a kid and my grandmother would come towards me, hands shaking and winding up for the smack I was about to catch while praying to Jesus to stop her from murdering this willful child. I’d take my grandfather’s belt any day over Jesus and Grandmama kicking…

Just exactly this. And yet the world looooves the angst of mediocre white men who are afraid of not being misunderstood. I used to love this movie when I was a teen, but Lester Whatever can fuck right off and he can take his entire coterie of literary and film equivalents with him.

I bet you can make good risotto and killer oatmeal though, right? I have this theory that the Gods of Porridge and Porridge-adjacent Carbs keep good cooks humble by making sure there’s one simple dish that takes them forever to get.

Bunny Slope: An entire Super Bowl party

Vincent Price is my bizarro entry on my List of Eternal Wouldness. And yes, the trout can watch.

Watch Thanksgiving for Lena Waithe. You can skip the rest.

I also made sure I got the right pillows and bedclothes for me. I don’t use regular fluffy pillows because they’d deflate or get too hot/cold/whatever during the night. What works for me are those small Japanese buckwheat hull pillows, and a large extra-firm shredded-foam pregnancy pillow. I also have to have natural…

I upped my sleep quality game.

Great. Now I’m going to have to explain to my dog that I didn’t scream because I was frightened, but because someone cast Forest Whitaker as Moody.

Jesus God, ENOCH POWELL? ENOCH “RIVERS OF BLOOD” POWELL? Enoch “In this country in 15 or 20 years’ time the black man will have the whip hand over the white man” Powell??? And THAT’S your guy?

Really. To find people whose virtuosity matches (I won’t say rivals, because no one rivaled Prince) his, you pretty much have to go into the classical or jazz words, and they’re not exactly thick on the ground there, either.

I don’t even like Cream but Ginger Baker is one of my all time biggest Problematic Faves. Have you seen the doc, “Beware of Mr. Baker”?

But he’s just saying he’s not hideously ugly! He’s definitely not a human kinder egg of insecurity and fear or anything!

but with the US system, they’ll probably give him like 5 years

For $180 I could fly to Oaxaca on Volaris, take a bus to my friend’s abuelita’s house, get a jar of her mole (or, if we’re being honest here, an old Suiza container of her mole), take another bus back to Cd de Oaxaca, buy a bag of chapulines, buy ANOTHER bag of chapulines when I accidentally ate the first one, take a…

Where I live it gets you an all-you-can-eat tacos de mariscos station for 32 people with fish caught that morning and all the handmade extras, plus the three magical ladies who do the cooking on site and are to fish tacos what Paganini was to the violin. 

I live in an olive-growing region, I get my extra virgin by taking a growler down to my friend’s place and filling up on her fresh-pressed, and STILL the best olives I’ve ever tasted were in Morocco.

WAIT WHAT

People can get so weird and fetishistic about olive oil so the comments should be good.

IME the best bang for your extra virgin buck is the one where the olives had to travel the least. For most US users that’s going to be a decent California olive oil.

Cooks Illustrated backs me up on this, but of course it’s in the…

Oh God, you might be right. I was about to come here with guac being the worst abbreviation, but I think the ‘za wins, even though I’ve never personally heard anyone say it.