Amen. My housekeeper, who is the finest person to ever walk this or any other earth, house/pet sits when we’re away and there’s nothing like coming back home after a red-eye and a 2 hour drive to a sparkling clean house smelling of bleach and fabuloso with fresh sheets on the bed and not a dirty dish to be seen.

It was a strange day when I realized not everyone traveled with hot sauce. In our household we have a full stock in the cupboard, plus one the one in the car and the one in my handbag, room permitting. I don’t think you can get my preferred travel sauce in the states, and I’d never suggest you replace Texas Pete’s,…

I bet Bowie would’ve wanted Tilda Swinton, but God knows who they’ll pick. Probably some auto-tuned haircut with one colored contact.

lolololololololololololololollolololololololololololololollolololololololololololololollolololololololololololololollolololololololololololololollolololololololololololololollolololololololololololololollolololololololololololololol. 

“Then there are the brothas who are always black this and black that, but first chance they get they marry white.”

aka Sno-Teps 

I think they’re allowed to marry Catholics now, but they must be “in communion with the Church of England” which is okay because both Catholics and Anglicans have the same Apostolic Line of Succession for bishops and priests.)

If you’re going by the “heir and a spare” thing, Harry was only important in the line of…

Oh man, hipster cities have THE BEST racism. It’s that small batch single source served in a bronzed raccoon hat bean to bar circus pole class racism that’s just perfected over years and years of Guatemalan belly wrapping workshops and being performatively mad at David Brooks columns. It’s a thing of beauty.

Please don’t get too twisted up trying to find the absolute sweetest corn you can. Here in Mexico our corn is more like your field corn. It’s firmer, less sweet, and more intensely corn-flavored, almost closer to hominy. Silver Queen and all is great for eating on the cob but it’s not at its best for elotes. A…

NGL, Nirvana was my first non-classical concert and I guess it was okay. It’s good for bragging rights, but honestly I would’ve died a thousand deaths to go to a Color Me Badd concert.

On one hand it’s pretty disappointing that people would refer to their core client base in such a “charming” term, but on the other hand, I’ll take it since it means HSN is pretty much the only place decent designer diffusion lines that go through plus sizes. I delight in buying Naeem Khan off the rack for buckets of…

Banana peels are great. We feed our roses chopped up peels and they bloom like crazy. Also, epsom salts. I think you can find the “right” way to give your roses epsom salts but honestly I just make sure that a few times I year dump the epsom-y water I use to soak my feet into the roses instead of the bathtub.

Dammit, West. Why are your politics so bad but your kolaches so good?!

Hey now that’s not fair. They could be smart and just unbelievably hateful.

Also, don’t punch above your weight, either in food or fanciness. It never comes off well and performative splendor can come across as unkind. You want to elevate your guests’ palates and surroundings but not make them uncomfortable. I’d even venture to say if your guests are intimidated by cloth napkins, then the…

Don’t worry, the suspect is a brown undocumented immigrant. Assuming he doesn’t get dropped off somewhere in El Salvador by ICE, he’ll serve every damn minute of his conviction, as well he fucking should.

Interesting Fact: In parts of California and Mexico, scrubs (the clothes, not the guys hanging out the passenger’s side of his best friend’s ride, tryna holler at me) are called Filipinas.

I am 1000000% going to have a red velvet armadillo cake at our wedding and I know no one will understand (I don’t live in the US) and I don’t even pretend care. Nothing like a nice piece of ass.

It’s wonderful you want to take such care of your goddaughter. The first drug talk isn’t that far off for my godlets, either, so it’s been on my mind a lot.

When I was a child, well-meaning relatives saw the addicts in my family and, trying to keep me away from the stuff while using terms a small child could…

Despite living in Mexico, I made the mistake of watching this in English and I wanted to die inside each time whatever rep tie-wearing retired mayonnaise sandwich was doing the announcing said “Chicharito.” God bless the USMNT, you scored a fantastic golazo in an incredibly hostile stadium (and may la virgencita bless…

Ummm likeimnottryingtobeabitchorwhatever buuut I feel like I specifically requested cage free vegan gerbil milk? I’m gonna need to speak to your manager.