I am a slithery snake and how dare you insult my people this way.

Not sure if it’s ok to like this...

It exceeded my expectations of just how truly horrid I thought it was going to be.

Austrailia and LA do not rhyme, Britbrit.

He wasn’t on the damn list. I keep hoping that, one Monday morning, I will read about me on Behind Closed Ovens.

Why would he think you would listen to him after the breakup about not dating those guys? You were throwing pickles at his head.

I also forgot I saw him once at a Ruby Tuesday and grabbed a menu and pretended like I worked there, went up to his table, and began explaining each of the entrees in as much detail as I could.

I once was in a relationship with this Yorkshire transplant who charmed me senseless, but he turned out to be way less charming and dumped me without even wanting to tell me why. Double whammy: I moved in with his dumb ass and he kicked me out with no place to go besides my mom’s. I banned everything even remotely…

I started sobbing in the middle of karaoke-ing Careless Whispers. Then I went home, collected everyone’s pet poop & mailed it to his office.

And I’m feeling bad because all of the serious relationships I was in, I was the one who broke them off and then I continued on with my life so now I’m worried about my Spock-like lack of emotions...

I got him banned from his mother’s house, moved in with her myself, and she bought me a puppy.

I dated a guy in law school who broke up with me, on Valentine’s Day, in a fancy French restaurant. Apparently he thought I would not make a scene in public. Apparently he had learned shit about me in that year we dated. I bounced a bowl of fancy little French pickles off his forehead, one by one, and the waiter…

Oh! This isn’t like a break up story but I stopped hanging out with my bff because he was into me like that and became pretty possessive.

This was like, 20 years ago, man. We didn’t do pictures for every fucking thing that made us sad/happy/hungry/apoplectic. We did not document our breakups and/or meals at every step. Although now that I think about it, the photo of me at 20, clasping on to a shitty twine leash of a cat trying to hide in a giant piece…

Tracked down his wife and told her everything.

Honestly the craziest thing I ever did was nothing.

I have a huge scary temper and about 5 years ago I caught my live-in boyfriend cheating. Like, affair cheating. And I did... nothing.

When I found out my long term boyfriend had a new girlfriend, while we were still living together, I walked to the nearest travel agent and booked a flight to Europe, got an express passport and then quit my job. I was outta there in under two weeks.

My ex cheated on me with his brothers girlfriend. He then had the audacity to ask for his high school lacrosse hoddie back (he was 22 this should have been a warning sign). I burned it at a bonfire, took a picture and put the ashes in a box with the picture.

I REALLY love that her name is Mary.