Like I get most of these are going to be funny, but I have so many terrible terrible stories about my former alcoholic father. I think I’ve told this one before, but I can’t help but tell it again.

I had a very sweet first boyfriend. He was quite a catch. We had grown up on different coasts. Me in CA, he NY.

This is the first thing I see when I open the internet today. Who knew a 15 year old from Iowa could give me such joy on my birthday? I feel like Jared Fogle.

They say that Deez Nuts is an Independent, but in my experience he has always leaned more to the left.

My Dad lives in Vegas. The last time I visited, we all went to the slots:
-My aunt won $20,000
-My dad went to the buffet
-I put $5 in a slot machine, and the machine broke.

I used to work in a bank, we had another branch less than a quarter of a mile down the road. Pretty much all banks in the UK are only open 0900-1700 (if you are lucky, a lot of them close at 1600) in order to give the most coverage we opened at 0830 and closed at 1630, the other branch was open 0930-1730 so there was…

Dear dining public:

But one Science study finds that these sweeping engineering projects aren’t long-term insurance.

I really wanted that top hat to get land on her head.

I was at a Logan’s and the couple behind us were being so rude to the waitress, berating her and treating her like she was an idiot. She came to us next and you could tell she was upset even though she was very friendly and professional. My pregnancy hormones took over my mouth when I opened it to order my drink and…

“They should have an IQ test before people are allowed to vote! Say, I wonder if there were ever any polling tests in the past.”
*reads history*
“...I’m so sorry. Forget I said that. Oh hell.”

There is nothing I can print that won’t be subject to Pinkham’s Law. If I printed “a customer came in and stabbed me in the face” I would get replies of “WELL MAYBE YOU DESERVED IT.”

The penis is the most powerful organ known to man. Women tend to be less impressed.

I don’t know if she goes by Mrs. or Ms., but there is a difference. When students refer to me as Mrs. Cocopop, this is how I school them-

The toilet paper is delivered directly to your sphincter via pinpoint QE teleportation. It’s quite an experience.

I can’t think of any anti-Bush movies (outside of those “documentaries” that people like Michael Moore make) or anti-fracking movies (maybe “documentaries?).

it should be harder to vote

Clearly it's making HO's aware not to go beyond that point.