Timeless wisdom from the Principia Discordia:

then it’s the world that is sexist not me

I agree that if you are a 14 year-old molester, that is not necessarily your failing, but that is a massive failing of your guardians. I was raised by a very Catholic mother and a father who converted to Catholicism because my mom was hot. One day when I was 8, we were at the mall going through JC Penny’s and I was…

You make the numbers go up. What’s so hard to understand?

I was at a fancy charity thing and I had a bit too much to drink and I randomly met Mr. McFeely and was very loud and awkward around him and he was really cool about it.

My mother.

Also,

Excuse me, I have to go to church now because apparently there is a God.

Isaac: My 16-year-old daughter is dating a Republican in her class named Chad. Dana

Reminded me of the Crystal Light Aerobics competition thing:

I’ve managed to get my demand down to the level of supply which is averages out to be over 450 days. Yes, my dry spells are longer than the Iranian Hostage Crisis.

They don’t make it anymore but it’s the one we had growing up. It had the interchangeable plates that also did pizzelles, paninis, and mountain pies. Now there are just 4 different machines for each.

They don’t make it anymore but it’s the one we had growing up. It had the interchangeable plates that also did…

I feel you on some of that. Both of my parents were terrible in their own ways. My mom is somewhere between difficult and impossible to deal with so my dad just quit when I was 10 and threw his arms up in the air and said, “I’m the bad guy.” When really he was just an idiot that took the easy way out. I favored my…

I remember when my therapist was all like, “Yeah, your mother is pretty terrible, but not having a relationship with your mother is going to cut your romantic possibilities almost down to nil,” and I was all like, “ Whelp, I guess I’m gonna die alone.”

When my dad dies, I’m going to eat so much Tex-Mex and fart right on his fucking face. It’s going to be so wretched it clears the entire funeral home.

I’m right there with you friend. I propose a toast. Sunday night as the sun sets, raise a glass and know that I many of us in the same situation raise a glass with you.

Actually, I want to thank you, thank you.