An assault over a bottle of Ocean Spray. Nice.

Ha, I had a bit of a similar experience on NYE 2002. My teenage cousin invited me to a party at his GF's home, which was a mansion owned by her uncle, a prominent homebuilder. The master bedroom was twice the size of my San Francisco apartment, the wine room had hundreds of bottles, and the absent homeowner proudly…

He was definitely the creepiest vampire in "Lost Boys."

The streets need more graffiti like this:

Or at least an unsatisfied appetite about two hours after dining.

That 50-year-old joke just never ages. Phil Hartman even mentioned it in an episode of Pee Wee's fuckin' Playhouse.

Indeed, Hanoi Jane urinal mats were quite popular at VFW halls.

Because it's the mudderfuckin' Eighties.

Ha, I believe there's a scene in one of the Friday the 13th movies where some male nurse watches one of those videos before Jason lobs his head off.

I'm mystified about how people got a good workout to "Author's Theme," a melancholic downtempo number about a drunk man-child.

The Jazzercise revival will have its day.

"I'm a WINNER...BABY."

Yep, and they also charge 12 bucks for one fucking slug of Maker's Mark.

"Aren't we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?" (Will Ferrell)

So badass.

They'll be fine.

So much neck-rolling....

That tune brings up childhood memories of suffering from a nasty flu and sitting in a pharmacy during Christmastime while Macca keeps repeating, "Simply having a wonderful Christmastime!"

I'm still awaiting my generation's answer to Paul McCartney's brilliant moment of hackery, tacky synths and all.

You'll be amazed by how many pros write emails as if they blew their noses in their keyboards. One of my old bosses, an alt-weekly editor, had a nasty habit of dashing out incoherent emails that took awhile to comprehend.