He carries a 9mm and sells things in grams. No, wait. That's my dealer.

I don't know. Who doesn't love the German's affection for purity of breed?

Jim Jones

We love Mayor Farley

Moosejaw. What happens in Moosejaw stays in Moosejaw (because it froze to death in August)

My dad was pretty liberal and probably would have gone to Woodstock had he been in NY at the time. I was a little busy with other things when they decided to do it again in 1994. I never tooks stock with the line of thinking that the hippies were any less patriotic (a lot were Viet Nam vets). I just think saying…

Well, my dad was doing stupid things when he was 19 like fighting for his life in the Chosin resivoir. When I was 19 I was in Somalia, so yeah, we all do dumb stuff.

You know who else did that? Hitl…no wait, it was Patton. Yeah, Patton Oswalt.

Uh huh, honky.

Don't go to the Alamo and ask the tour guide to see the basement. It turns out they don't find it that funny.