This is when you call and pretend to be your husband. I actually got into a fight with a customer service rep bc I needed to pay our internet/tv and I didn't have a bill so I had no idea what to pay. It went like this

Oh, I didn't realize the price was just for the pattern. Eep, it does get more expensive then-though you still could probably get 'em printed at shapeways. Also, if you're at a sufficiently hipster city, you could probably get 'em made at a makerbot storefront/something similar.

Your denial of 3D printing is odd, but understandable. It's pretty mind blowing to watch something magically grow out of a spool of plastic. Once I slept with a guy and only noticed his 3D printer on my way out. He could have gotten me into bed so much easier if he'd shown me that first!

When my daughter was 4, she was making a verbal list of things she was thankful for. This quote was in the middle of the list:

I was sitting in my apartment and heard a SKREEETCH! THUD! from outside. I look out the window and see an older woman, sobbing, come running up to a young man, who looks stunned. I watch them walk to the intersection, where the woman's car is stopped, her driver's side door still open, and lying in front of the car…

*reads the words "off" and "leash"*

I highly suggest a Tagg collar. It is worth the investment ($100 for the collar and $8/month for service). It is a gps collar with a phone app. My dog is a runner and houdini escape artist and it has been a life saver.

Seriously. When Kid Electron was sixteen months old, I had an off the leash dog bolt for her at a park. I had just enough time to scoop her up and put my back against the attack, and it ripped my puffer coat to shreds instead of her. "Oh, but Charlie wouldn't hurt a fly," was the owner's only response.

I visited my parents over the summer and flipped through my yearbooks, of course looking up my crushes. One fascinating thing about aging (in my 30s now) is all those dudes looked like children. Gross! So gross, every one of them. Babies with acne.

#3 is pretty much the only ACCEPTABLE item on this list.

Someone needs to get that child out of the house. She does not look like she's being well taken care of. The family has fallen apart. And...I was a chubby kid who became a fat adult, and I'm not trying to either fat shame nor pick on her, but she has gone from chubby to obese since Honey Boo Boo has been on the air.…

. . . I think this is going to have to go on the very short list of things that I'll never be able to bring myself to even try and watch. Damn. Just . . . damn.

If you're gonna go rugged, you better go all the damn way.

NOTE NOTE NOTE: "men are simplistic" is a harmful opinion of men and is PART OF THE PROBLEM WITH THE PATRIARCHY. when men feel defeated, weak and masculine when they have complex feelings, it is because of the patriarchy. when men ARE simplistic, ignorant and can't control themselves, it is because they are…

I always find this kind of advice puzzling because most divorces are initiated by women. Shouldn't the husbands be the ones adjusting their daily diet to keep their wives at home?

Be a sexual slave or your marriage will die.

As someone who is currently collecting the stories of women in my church who have experienced sexual abuse by their husbands out of duty/obligation (either implied or at the instruction of church leaders), this kind of crap really, really pisses me off.

" We want to be pleasing by nature, that's in our DNA"

I don't think her actions are praiseworthy by any means, but it's a stretch to compare her to War Machine. If her retelling is accurate (who knows?), it doesn't seem like he felt his life was in danger at any point—he could have left, but he stayed because of a sense of obligation/"atonement"/whatever. Huston didn't…

This reminds me of the key and peele sketch: