From the ad:

It’s a MKIV so you’re also dealing with the following issues:

100% CP for any car, any price, that’s two halves of a car welded together by anyone except the manufacturer themselves. Even the slightest error on a mechanical or metallurgic scale compromises the crash structure, and I’d rather not become an automotive panini when Susan gets distracted by an iMessage and runs the…

I can’t believe the Patriots went to all this trouble to beat the Dolphins.

Yeah man. It’s pretty clear you as a high schooler were a lot more tough than Calvin Johnson in his prime. I think “getting your bell rung" too many times contributed to you writing this asinine comment.

“I can’t see straight.”

My guess is that they will leave it 2.4 NA, as least in the standard trim. Subaru spends a lot of effort pushing its brand in motorsports and to have a 2.4 Turbo as standard would disqualify the car from competing in production class stage rally. As of the 2019 ARA rule book, the limits are 2.5L NA and 1.6L turbo for…

Agreed, he most definitely IS worth a shit.

Too soon but only because I didn’t come up with that first

Subway has reached out to his agent on his availability.

Every weird fashion moment I don’t get just reminds me of this:

“Newton certainly hasn’t looked like himself.”

I have these problems as an adult.

His son could tell you that unhealthy scratches are worse.

That was inevitable all along but I didn't expect it to happen so quickly

Now he’ll sign with the goddamn Patriots and we all won’t be laughing anymore.

[cue audience hooting and hollering]

The answer is always Volvo. Stately, luxurious, fast, reliable, AWD, well under budget, why wouldn’t you go with a V70R? Also, this is Jalopnik, what did you expect?

Not afflicted with the small bone?  Nick Foles. 

Andrew Luck 2012: *Takes a sack* Great job, man. Insane hustle. You really got me.

Andrew Luck 2019: You even just look at the ceiling and wish you could stop existing? Like, not die, but just POOF and cease being altogether. Maybe it’s nothing but motionless, soundless black. Complete emptiness. Nothingness. But it’s…