I bet his children are ashamed of their Disney villain piece of shit dad. I hope he knows that.

I could not be more on board this assessment. I love high life. As a thank you, I’ve created this masterpiece.

A Hamptons frozen yogurt spot refused to open their doors for Rihanna. OK, fine, they were technically closed at the time (it was 11:00PM and “staffers were packing up”)

riley curry is both an argument for and against having kids. how could you not want to be around that ball of energy and sunshine and joy and general awesome-ness all the time! but also, what if you have a boring kid that’s not riley curry? devo.

Is that going to show up on the Carfax?

See also: Prostrate Atop A Crimson Tide...

I don’t totally understand this phrase but I LOVE IT AND WILL USE IT ALWAYS.

I’m cresting on my menstrual wave right now. I needed this.

I think I would probably get a bit irritated if she wanted to talk about it beyond basic acknowledgments that it is currently ongoing and that I should do [whatever she needs/wants] though.

Wait a minute...

This is what I saw in my mind when I read “Healthy Tampons.”

Is this an acceptable 1st anniversary gift for my wife? I’m open to your thoughts on the matter.

Matt Damon’s face, I hope?

She also organizes my colognes and combs.

I was really hating my job until I read about the poor woman who has to charge a 10 year olds cell phone to exactly 99%.

Haters gonna hate.

“[Money], I just feel like it’s not important.”

What is America coming to when a white, kevlar-protected, active service member can’t even bring a loaded AR-15 (with several additional magazines of ammunition) to a crowded mall without civilians panicking and calling the cops????

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO GET READY REALLY QUICKLY BECAUSE OF POOR TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS! GOD!

I have an artisanal knuckle sandwich for the idiot that came up with this travesty.