Tom Brady: [sees perfectly spiraled football spiraling toward him from a great distance]

I can’t read this, I am a dog.

Too bad, would have loved to here Bumgardner explain to him the white way to play ball.

Um, I know it’s like trendy to pick on Tom Brady on this Deadspin site and all, but there’s nothing wrong with playing catch. Playing catch is a great way to bond with someone and it’s also great exercise. Maybe keep that in mind next time you, wait a minute, there’s that squirrel again... HEY GET BACK HERE YOU…

yeah, it’s a murder car

Exactly - how does a country with 4.4% of the world’s population lead the medal count at every summer Olympics?

He’s no George Washington. I heard that motherfucker had, like, thirty goddamn heads.

It’s...I guess the word is dumb...to say that five or even eight turnovers a game cancels out anywhere near half his offense. He accounts for nearly 60 percent of his team’s assists and nearly 30 percent of its points. He’s also eighth in the league in defensive win shares and 16th in overall defensive rating, which…

he’s always been a stat-padding ballhog (but he’s so much fun to watch!), so I have to think yeah, he loves this.

It seems hypocritical to keep referring to it as an egg and not a chicken.

“Lifelong Panthers fan” just made me feel so old.

It’s always tough choosing between stupid jokes like that.

Glad those three got in.

All I think about is training. I want to train so hard that police have to arrest me when I lift weights because when I lift them I throw them into space and that is theft or at least destruction of property in many many states but my defense attorney also trains extremely hard so I usually get out of the charges and…

To be fair, Spanos deserves some credit for nixing a logo that truly offended a native population.

“to help launch our brand into the market...”

That logo would have been accepted if not for two things.

Places NFL policy does not apply:

I dunno. Imagine how big the scandal would be if AB was on a boat.

Too bad he didn’t livestream from international waters. NFL policy doesn’t apply there.