Can you imagine this flabby orange oaf lying on top of you, sweating, arrhythmically thrusting for three minutes, until he rolls off you, inadvertently scratching you with his oversize, gold Rolex and you notice he never took his black socks off?

Fuck dating. Fuck dating sites. Fuck guys who just message “hey. how r u?” or “u r beautiful.” Use fucking proper grammar. Fuck guys who ghost you. Fuck everything.

The only thing I look for in a person is really nice hair. If a guy has good hair, whatever, he could be a serial killer who drinks bud with lime and i’d be into him.

Harper Lee? Totally low energy. Complete loser. When was the last time she wrote a book? Have you seen the books I wrote. They have the best words in them. Not like her words. Did you hear that Atticus is racist? The blacks love me. Buy Trump Steaks.

It happened once with me and my sister. Obviously not the same level but still...I think I could do better.

How about they also get rid of that giant fucking video screen that has a gaggle of idiot tourists clogging up the sidewalk in front, all trying to snap a selfie of them on the screen?

Top reasons I am glad I no longer live or work in Manhattan: