How sad is your life to take the time to write all this shit. I couldn’t bother myself to read it entirely.

It’s time to trash this article now.

Yeah, do not put your dick in an industrial vacuum. I am an emergency room nurse in Toronto who, after 12 years, has seen all manner of manhood mutilation. Twice (TWICE!!) I have treated guys who had decided that big ol’ machines were the correct venues to procure orgasm. One of them got off (heh) with bruising and…

So folks are only respectful to you when they’re running a grift? That’s just sad, boss.

Oh dear. Bush to Live is a massive step sideways.

Corona, like Heineken, isn’t really cheap beer.

best cheap beer: Corona

Thank you for remaining laser-focused on sports. 

whenever I’m out at the grocery store and someone is on their phone (usually speaker phone but not always), I just walk up behind them and start talking in a loud voice. it’s the best

sir this is a wendy’s

if you eat leftover sliders you deserve whatever happens to you

Wrong, fucko.  Salmon is bad and isn’t a part of a balanced breakfast!

Because they like to seem hip and cool.

I once got upgraded to first class on a 630 AM flight. I was so excited, free booze! Being that it was my first time in first class and it was the start of my vacation, I had to take advantage, regardless of the time of day.

this is the worst take

You may be in the minority on this one, unfortunately. 

“they did something sorta kinda but not really similar before so why are they even bothering?”

Who cares what other people do?

You wanna drag a boat around your yard? Have a blast.

You wanna jump old malaise beaters off a ramp? Go for it.

You wanna buy Star Wars toys but never take them out of the packaging? Fine.

Let people do their thing, man.

1) Anyone that read the headline, thought “This is relevant to my interests”, and clicked through to read the article proper.
2) Probably not people that read the headline, thought “This is not relevant to my interests”, but clicked through to the article anyway for whatever reason. Those guys are kinda dicks tho.