"Man, cross checking meant something totally different back in my day."

"So typical! I was at the same game-where are my pictures? [thinks for a second] Never mind."

Especially when these same pitchers scream and fist-pump after big strikeouts to end the inning. How come they get to celebrate big plays, but if a guy hits a HR he has to simply jog around the bases like nothing happened.

I've never have understood the anger over pimping home runs. Cole started this whole thing by throwing a horrible pitch. If he should be mad at anyone it should be himself.

Why do baseball players (especially pitchers) take such offense to the most minor things? In other sports, you usually don't see guys get super upset over the littlest things. Like in basketball if you shoot a three pointer and make it, you can do a little celebration and the guy guarding you won't get butt hurt and…

Never change, Pop. You God damn national treasure, you.

You're totally correct. New babies only exist for about 4 hours a day when they're first born.

I don't know what Mike's complaining about. It's not like Daniel Murphy not going on paternity leave for any length of time is going to prevent the Mets from being mathematically eliminated before the All-Star break.

Your name is drfattybiscuits. Even by dog standards that has no dignity.

Cruel and pretty unusual

Cocaine is a helluva drug.

the ol' beanbag to the beanbag. works every time.

The police should have realized that the beanbag is the natural ally of the college stoner.

Stupid police. They should have gone with a beanbag to the crotch.

Nah, he just left home still wearing his orgy eye shields.

I have my actual face on Twitter right now and it feels so boring. Intellectual Gronk is a possibility, though.

[scrambles to change Twitter avatar]

Eventually, Phelps went on to get his burner's permit, after which his eyes took on a more glazed appearance.

Sorry 15-year-old Michael, you never did grow into those ears.