You’re awfully butthurt about this whole thing. This is for celebrating the Cardinals’ failures.

I’ll be the first to admit it’s the low hanging fruit. Maybe I could do better. Can you take me HIGHER?!
*Pounds chest*
*Gets drunk and records conspiracy video for youtube*

Maybe it’s time you embraced something new....With arms wide open.

Via @BestFansStLouis:

No, I just ran out of Cardinals jokes after loss #9 or something. So I figured since we’re celebrating these wonderful Cardinals losses, we could also celebrate our greatest comedic loss, Mitch Hedberg.

Are you kidding? JaMarcus Russell lasted longer than Manziel and by all accounts was at least as fucking stupid.

Also, I’m sick of “redemptive stories” that aren’t about what the person needs redeeming from. “He was accused of rape...BUT he’s great with kids!” “He killed a bunch of dogs in illegal fights, but boy does he work hard on the field!” “He definitely covered up a murder, but Ray Lewis sure can yell loudly and…

Well, duh. Where there are balls, there’s usually an asshole nearby.

2016 America: Where a 12-year old boy is shot and killed by the police for playing with a toy and it’s his fault because he should have “known” that people would see him as a threat, while a full-grown adult who rapes an unconscious woman and tries to flee should only have to endure a couple months of jail because…

Up until that moment family dinners always ended with “But he has two rings?!” Now no one even gives a shit if he shows up.

“Well, you can’t just lock up all of them. It would be too obvious.” - Ferguson Police Department

You’re my favorite parody account on this site.

Homer? Arigato! Mr. J Votto.

Allow me to preempt the people who are gonna come here and cry about it - yes, every time, yes, all season. The Best Feature in Baseball will never die.

Fuck off

Typical hotshot corner who thinks he doesn’t need a safety.

I’ve accidentally shot myself in a strip club before but I just went to the bathroom and cleaned up a bit.

Dear Best Fans in Baseball. STOP.

HOT TAKE:
Harambe wanted death more than continuing to live in Ohio.

The problem isn’t that the Cardinals organization drives to drink.