Bet this helps with recruiting . . . at FSU and Georgia!

Anyone who thinks this is cool should be okay with getting viciously chewed out by their boss in front of their entire office and in front of all of their family and friends. “You FUCKING DESERVED IT, you screwed up those TPS Reports!”

These chumps need to play more Madden. There are 12 year olds with better clock management skills. Guess all that time in the gym and on the field really does prevent the brain from developing certain skills.

Hey Deadspin Pussies: this is America. Get it right. The ONLY acceptable response to deviation from community-based Norms is OBSCENE VIOLENCE.

Wear the wrong-colored shirt? Ya get a BEATING.
Sit in the visiting team stands with your gf? Ya get a BEATING.
Snitch on the people who beat you up? Ya get a BEATING.

And don’t…

Camden Cty’s Head Coach, Welton E. Coffee II claims in his bio that he was “born again.” What he fails to mention is that he’s an abusive piece-of-shit.

Here are the names of the other asshole coaches: Greg Slattery; Dr. Byron Slack; Jereme Vendette; Derek Chastain; Ricky Huffy; Cedric A. Corse; William Larkin; Donald…

These people are fine, even fun.

Prosk and Burneko need to be kicked in the nuts. Get out of your junior high angst and relax, douchebags. Smoke more weed.

If you “break the rules” and they still hand you the trophy, you didn’t “break the rules,” you uncovered the secret, unwritten rules.

There’s no clearer sign of losers than wallowing in self-pity.

I know, right? Pretty kick ass when you’re kicking everyone’s ass! Shame y’all so inept you think this isn’t how the world works. Whatevs; tell yo’ girl tomorrow afternoon’s fine.

Guess you’re one of those men who like being cuckolded.

Awww, it’s so cute to hear the complaints of people who only bring knives to gun fights. Yes, the NFL is a Noble and Honorable league, filled only with Distinguished Gentlemen who never, ever would say a bad word about your mother or poke you in the eye at the bottom of the pile.

But if someone is going to play…

Aww, boo hoo hoo. Footbah, our MOST SACRED TRADITION—no one denies this!—has been tarnished fo’ever!

Let’s let the ‘ROID MONSTERS get back to giving each other concussions for our amusement.

That beard says Paedo.

How thirsty is Huckabee for that peen, right? When you hate on something so much, you really secretly LOVES IT. Huckabee so in the closet, he’s probably hooking up with three rent boys right now. Mike Huckabee: takes it on his face.

Off-season drama where the Commissioner fights the Pretty Boy Super Hero? This isn’t a problem, this is a RATINGS BONANZA.

The NFL isn’t some sacrosanct institution, “Deadspin Editorial Board.” It’s watching great athletes give each other concussions. This column was as smarmy as ESPN has gotten. Get back in the…

Funner fact: Luke describes her as “a woman of the city who was a sinner,” similar to how we might say “lady of the night” or “party girl.”

God bless all Sex Workers. It’s the world’s oldest profession because it meets a deep human need. Sex work should be legal, safe, tax-free, and anonymous. It’s nobody’s business other than the consenting adults involved.

Stigmatizing sex work is the first sign of sickness in society. Remember, Jesus’s wife used to turn…

0-16 this year, then they change the name in the offseason.

Washington Natives.
It’s perfect. Honors the Native American people and makes an elegant reference to how few people are really natives of this cursed metropolis. Besides, only people who live in the DMV are fans of this racist team.

It’s shocking that a homoerotic sport where steroid abusers give each other concussions is somehow not played by Gentlemen of the Finest Honour.

Murder a person?
Abuse a loved one?

But their work in the National Flower League is such loving, peaceful daisy-planting and group-singing, how could these men, brought up in…

Let’s not just blame walking pile of shit Bud Foster, but beloved head coach and possible pedophile Frank Beamer, associate head coach and potential goat-blower and nepotism receiver Shane Beamer, the very offensive coordinator Scot Loeffler, dumbass bagmen Bryan Stinespring, Chuck Cantor, Bruce Garnes, Thomas Guerry…

Dude, physical attractiveness comes in many forms, and you don’t need to look like a beefcake movie star. If you want to be approached, look approachable: happy, positive, cheerful.

Keeping yourself fit will help, and remember, being fit isn’t about attracting deh ledies, it’s simply good for you. If your goal is…

Ted Cruz is the Canadian of Cuban descent running for the Republican Presidential Nomination. He’s famous for many things, including for, in college: