As someone who travels for a living.... you are the worst kind of person and I hope you break a limb next time you’re rushing past people in the airport.

Why do soda 12-packs come in a 2x6 can box and beer 12-packs seem to always come in 3x4 can boxes? I don’t know if there’s an actual reason but if there isn’t let’s hear some theories.

People who take their kids to breweries and bars that also happen to serve some food are the worst of the worst. They are all, without reservation, 20 and 30-somethings who don’t want to give up their lifestyle of going out and getting tanked but are too cheap/stupid/whatever to get a babysitter. I don’t want to…

As a late luncher, it’s not about being too busy, it’s about hating other people.

To the dude eyebanging the uneaten eggroll, how fucking bankrupt is the communication between you and your fiance that you can’t even ask about eating one of her appetizers? If you can’t communicate over food your marriage is fucking doomed.

You never know that it’s the last time until it is too late. But if you have experienced the following, you will self-pleasure each time as though it is the last: I had major surgery a couple of years ago (8 hours on the table; 28 hours asleep; 2 weeks in hospital; nothing to do with my genitals) and the first…

I go with whatever won’t reheat well as my first plan of attack on the dinner plate. Anything meat-related most likely will reheat well. Side salad, veggies, rice, fries - those things never reheat well. I’m always thinking about the leftover meal as opposed to the meal in front of me. Maybe that’s my problem.

I was like, “’harquebusiers,’ I think I learned a new word,” but you used it incorrectly (it refers to the cavalry, not their weapons), so I get to be that guy, too!

+1 person who’s ever knocked on wood.

Yeah cause nothing says BONER like Less Than Jake, or Save Ferris.

I just imagined a couple trying to furiously bang to “Sell Out” by Reel Big Fish and it was hilarious. That would be so awful.

Clearly, the answer is ska-punk.

My mom grew up in an area that was mostly Italian immigrants, and for a while back in the day it was all the rage for them to get their black hair dyed with eggplant purple. Not enough to change the color totally, but enough to get a purple sheen. I’ve seen the pictures, it was bizarre. (My mom begged my grandmother…

My kids came up with a game called cheese squeeze. Basically you shout out cheese squeeze every time you see a yellow car. Buses, taxis and work vehicles don’t count. If you get a cheese squeeze slug bug that is even better. It makes for odd times when I am in a car with non-family and I shout it out.

A barbiturate is supposed to be the first of the three drugs in a lethal injection. Even at the high doses used, it can’t cause unconsciousness as reliably as surgical anaesthesia. Not that the latter is an option; I doubt whether any physicians would choose to become involved in capital punishment.

Hold on a second, dude. Why was there an onion tied to your belt again?

Also, you can be an adult and have friends of the opposite gender. If you’re an adult and in a trusting, committed relationship, this should not be a problem, Mike Pence.

Seriously what’s the appropriate reason for a married person to go out for a meal alone with a member of the other sex

Pro tip from a woman: If you want to “respect your wife,” then don’t cheat on her, or flirt with other women, or be a prop in an administration that is an international embarrassment. None of that precludes you from have a normal business relationship with other women, which often includes eating. You know, the thing…