The Republican life-cycle health care plan:

Made in America?

Science nerds, any conjectures about what chemical was sprayed in his face? A cyanide compound?

Taking vaccines — maybe very slightly dangerous?

Must be some kind of for-profit school for inmates of the for-profit prisons in Kansas, right?

Just curious, how would you describe this sports achievement if the player happened to be, say, African?

Indeed, Trump would be richer today if he had just put his inheritance money in an index fund:

Long term capital gains tax rate probably applies, so more like 20% tax, because the super-rich literally get to play by their own rules.

Wealthy anonymous Chinese buyer?

Five moves! That’s practically tantric for the chess set.

He probably meant to say “think of how stupid the MEDIAN person is,” because...oh never mind.

“Hope Hicks is just tremendous in giving hope to the hicks. And isn’t she gorgeous people, I would probably be dating her if she wasn’t on my staff. I don’t know how many Jews or whatever were killed in the Holocaust, but I can tell you, there were more people on the National Mall for my inauguration, it really was…

The reality is that the HBO writers are writing the plot of Game of Thrones at this point, for good or bad. Maybe GRRM should just retire, tell us never to expect another published page from him, and enjoy being pampered as keynote speaker at nerd conferences for the rest of his years.

The best part of playing catch is when the ball flies through the air and then somebody catches it!

You win the best twee parent award, and these books will be SO EMBARRASING to your teenagers, C’MON DAD.

Spicer, just bite down on the cyanide ampoule now.

“Deliberately false reporting” — says the guy who led the birther movement.

Never a larger inauguration audience. And the chocolate rations are increasing!