Cancer. We were engaged and planing the wedding when I was diagnosed. The chemo was going to make me infertile, so we just tried for a kid and hit the courthouse the Friday after the pregnancy test. I did my treatment while my wife was pregnant and on my last day of treatment, our daughter was born. She turns two on…

I went to a wedding where the minister blessed the groom's sperm.

"I can't believe I married someone named Jeb."

"My family is going to fuck this great nation up. Now lets boogie."

So at this place, everything tastes like ham?

Duh. When has American popular opinion ever been wrong about anything?

She didn't want anyone messing with her little sis.... except for 25 year old men. Got it.

Team Everyone Involved Gets Spritzed With a Spray Bottle

I want to say a couple states are still holdovers too. But yeah, I am so curious about why he is flying totally against the wind here.

While it was happening, it didn't seem sweet, ya know? I had driven home and was trying to hold it all together. It wasn't until I walked in the door and he asked how it went. And then I started sobbing. And it was just this surreal moment of all of this mess to process. Then him asking me to marry me...like out of…

My husband is rolling his eyes at me. "Gee thanks! You made me sound like a moron."

I don't know. I think it's kind of a asshole move. Like, 'I kinda know you might say no so I'm going to make it as public as possible to force you to say yes'. Fuck that.

I used to work for Kelly in the '90s. She absolutely 100% tried to make a name for herself as a "rapper." She had this spoken-word bullshit she would try to pass off as music. When that Lullaby song from Shawn Mullins (guess how much Googling I had to do to find that!) came out she accused him of biting her rhyme to…

"Kanye's really arrogant. Anna Wintour, myself, Gisele Bündchen...."

On the farm, we would say teets. Or in this case, threets.

"You get blackballed." "She gets blackballed." "EVERYONE GETS BLACKBALLED!!"

shoulda got one on her back for slow dances.

Filed to: BREAST INTENTIONS

That is the greatest headline of all time, Madeleine.

I thought about changing a couple of the details to [possibly] keep my anonymity on here, but fuck it. If this person reads this, hi there old friend!