I can’t wait until we get a full report on the exact posture of every player during the Anthem. These are exciting times.

Phar too easy.

“Oh yeah, Aleppo. That is the guy that Jesus cured, right?”

“I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans. Maybe they’re just as good, and we’re just wasting time.” - Mitch Hedberg

Jesus fuck. This is the longest SNL cold open ever.

It’s easy to be outraged at the billionaire owners, but the NFLPA has to take some blame for this as well. They basically sold out future generations of players to keep higher salaries for themselves. And what happened? They made themselves unaffordable to keep on the roster in the face of younger, cheaper talent. I…

I think there is an arguement to be made that it would increase both.

Increase roster sizes and the cap. The 53-man roster is insane given the high rate of injury. There isn’t a single team that makes it through the season without signing and playing guys off the street. That is a good indication that the rosters are too small.

You could change out “football” to “boxing” in there and date it 1985 and this suddenly becomes a lot more scary to those of us used to actually enjoying watching even the worst football games.

Young men who are skilled at football tend to be skilled at other athletic pursuits as well. What’ll happen is that you’ll gradually see more and more guys who might’ve gone to college on football scholarships instead going into other sports, sports that generally don’t carry the risk of making you both a cripple and a…

That seat was reserved for the 4th place trophy.

The fact that she thought a domestic violence charge would end a career in the NFL is hilarious....

NO PD report: “Rob Ryan was approached by two individuals as he was attempting to pierce a duck-taped beer can stack with a screwdriver. The perpetrators made off with the stack, the screwdriver and Ryan’s wallet which contained $23.00, a Dave & Buster’s membership card and several photograph’s of brother Rex’s then…

Clever and not at all predictable or tired!

Every possession was the point guard driving into traffic, shooting a contested three or dumping it into the post for an awkward shot from a big man.

“My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.” - Mitch Hedberg

Geaux home, assholes

“ I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like 222-222-2222. And then people would say ‘Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?’ and I’d say, ‘Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.’” - Mitch Hedberg

These posts are doing God’s work. Fu*k the cardinals.

I never cease to be baffled at the stupidity of professional sports general managers....