“I can’t wait to get off the stage, ‘cause I’ve got a roll of LifeSavers in my pocket... and pineapple is next!” - Mitch Hedberg

If CBS is willing to fire members of their NFL crew over fans’ complaints why hasn’t.... well, basically everyone, been fired yet?

This is how I want Jameis Winston to be remembered forever.

“They laughed at me for my obsession with pie and trivia....but it was my life’s calling. My pursuit.” - Herbert Trivial

At the very least we should send them a nice gift basket.

Over at theconcourse.GoldmanSachs.com:

Great. Now I want to go to McDonalds.

A side question: At what point did “Support the Troops” morph into “Worship the Military?”

Yes, they said it was a complete tear.

Just spent the past month looking for a new apartment in Park Slope, Carroll Gardens, and a few other neighborhoods nearby. It was interesting seeing the prices tumble by a few hundred dollars or more as the month wore on and the landlords realized they aren’t going to get the kind of money they got last year and the…

Wouldn’t that make the Broncos the Colts?

Can someone explain to me why not standing for the national anthem or saluting the flag or whatever is more disrespectful to the troops than, I don’t know, poorly funded health care for veterans? In fact, why aren’t all really horrible actions disrespectful to the troops? How dare you mock the sacrifices made my…

“I’m against protesting, but I don’t know how to show it.”

Or, she’s a normal human in a normal relationship, and she’s reached her “fuck it” point. We all know people, or have been people, who have stayed in relationships FAR beyond what, in retrospect, would have been the smart, right time to leave. Few make the decision to marry and really think “well, if it gets weird,…

In related news, Weiner has upgraded to AT&T’s unlimited data plan.

“I was at a casino, standing by the door, and the security guy came over and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.” - Mitch Hedberg

I don’t normally root for the Pirates, Marlins, or Mets. But, when I do, its so the Cardinals don’t make the playoffs.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

That is absolutely Fred Armisen. I would bet my lower intestine on it.

BLTs > CTEs