Depending on how you count things, I’ve slept with anywhere from 4 to 7 times as many people as my boyfriend has. I think the only thing that bothers him about that is his number being so low. But while he was busy being married to his first wife, I was busy being a slut*. He’s not married anymore and I’m not a slut…

I don’t like diamonds. Boyfriendo knows this. For my birthday/our anniversary (which are three weeks apart), he got me a not-quite-engagement ring, blue topaz in a silver filigree setting. I’m hoping the actual e-ring will be a garnet.

Mark, would you mind capitalizing “Jew” in the second paragraph? Thanks!

My entire name is nine letters long. It’s all spelled phonetically, but my first name is Hebrew (and not like Rebecca is Hebrew, it’s pretty rare even in Israel) and my last name is Persian, so this of course means that no one bothers to try to pronounce it correctly. After 31 years I thought I’d heard every possible…

Marginally relevant, but I happen to know a white-skinned black person. They are albino and pretty badass.

Literally my least favorite thing about the South is people calling me Miss Firstname. Even my fucking peers. Every time it happens I very firmly say “I do not like being called Miss Firstname and you have to stop.” It doesn’t work.

Boyfriend sometimes refers to me as Miss Firstname to his dog (I inherited the dog with…

I’m Chris Christie, which makes sense, because I too am a fat loudmouth from New Jersey.

I have no formal medical training, but thanks to two years as a volunteer at a free clinic, even I know how to use a stethoscope (and take a pulse, and check blood pressure). These are good skills to have, no matter what your profession!

The picture of Ahmed under arrest is almost bringing me to tears right now. He looks just like one of my nephews who’s the same age. Gah. I hate everything.

This happened to me once. Every few minutes I would slide the check closer and closer to the head person. I finally got them to leave by putting the check in the head person’s hands and saying “Thanks so much for coming in today! Come back soon!”

They did not tip adequately for taking up a prime booth for so long…

Oh god, I remember this one couple who wanted to pray over my wrist because I wore a carpal tunnel brace. After they signed the check, one of them said, “I pray the lord heals your hand.” I replied, “I’m less concerned about the lord than the surgeon.”

There was another family who complained to a manager because they…

Toward the beginning of my undergraduate social work education, we all had to go to the local Holocaust museum to learn about oppression and whatnot. I’m Jewish and Israeli, and have been to pretty much every major Holocaust museum on earth at this point, thanks to my slightly obsessive father. So I was already…

I have an appointment next week to consult a gyno about getting an IUD, and I’m STOKED. I’ve been on a progestin-only pill for about a year and a half, and for the first six months I didn’t bleed or even spot. After that I would bleed more or less monthly for a while, then I would get a really light period for 3-4…

Certified Fat Person and Certified Life Partner of Another Fat Person here.

Do you think you deserve a fucking cookie? You don’t.

He gave a talk at my school last summer and signed my book and it was the best day ever.

Raglan sleeves are not that hard.

I love listening to classical music before bed, and will usually put on a Pandora classical station. The problem is that right when I’m juuuust about to drift off on the wings of some lovely etude, an ad comes on, way too loud, and wakes me the fuck up. Ergo, I should definitely buy this album.

I have no idea when me and the dude started farting around each other, but it must have been early on, because we are gross people with few boundaries (around each other). Plus we can always blame the dog, whose farts can be truly volcanic.

Me: Honey, I love you, but I’m leaving you to join the cat circus.
Him: Okay, have fun.

Unrelated: Demi Lovato bears a startling resemblance to my elementary school best friend’s mother.