This video is giving me confused pantsfeels.

The walls of Mr. Brotherjo's apartment are very thin, and the bed is pretty close to the toilet. I was contemplating getting out of bed one morning when I heard him pooping. It sounded unpleasant. He washed his hands for a while then came back into his room to cuddle with me. This led me to reflect that love is…

Want to hear a mortifying story about my dad? OF COURSE YOU DO.

I bought a limited-edition tank from Cafe Press last summer that says "RBG, Y'all." I wear it a lot when I go jogging because it makes me feel like a badass, and it will be part of my Halloween costume (Feminist Superhero!). A lady stopped me in the street a couple weeks ago and told me it was an heirloom and I should…

I dated an extremely obese man with a micropenis for 10 months and I'm not willing to be with someone that size (in both meanings) again. Physical intimacy was difficult, awkward, and unsatisfying, which eventually led to a complete lack of emotional intimacy too. He had a number of personal life challenges unrelated…

Smitten Kitchen has a kick-ass recipe for penne a la vodka, modified from Rachael Ray. It has the unfortunate name of "You won't be single for long penne" or something similar. I made this the first time I cooked for the current Mr. Brotherjo, but tried to hide the name because (a) we had been dating for like 2 weeks…

Funny thing, I'm gonna start training as an expo soon...

Most of our hosts are evil, but I think I can find one.

I would like to get revenge on a fellow server, personally. Yesterday she came barreling around a corner without looking where she was going or yelling "corner!" and crashed into the full tray of piping hot coffee I was taking out to a table that was already mad at me. I burned the hell out of my hand, cursed very…

The last guy dumped me by email. He said after 2 months he just didn't have any feelings for me. Three months to the day after our first date. I maintain he was in love with his roommate.

I was dumped once for being "too ambitious."

Finally, I was once broken up with by my then-FWB's new girlfriend. He didn't have the…

Fine, she doesn't eat non-starchy vegetables.

I once masturbated in a hot tub. The hot tub was in a hotel. The hotel was the site of a conference. I was one of the people running the conference. Mere seconds after I finished the wife of a very important attendee hopped in the hot tub with me. I was all o.O

Last year on Christmas Eve Eve (which is also my mom's birthday) I drove 100 miles in the pouring rain to have sex with the guy I was seeing, knowing I'd have to leave at 9 the next morning to work. About 10 miles from my exit, the battery on my phone died, so no more GPS. I knew enough to get off at the right street,…

From what I can tell, grilled cheese and french fries.

Our Idiot Host is also sometimes an Idiot Expo. She screams her fool head off at the runners and servers but won't talk to the line cooks at more than a whisper, so they never hear her, so nothing ever gets fixed until the servers butt in, at which point she gets furious and stomps off the line.

She also hasn't eaten…

A transmale friend of mine was murdered in June. He was found in his home. To my knowledge his killer was never found, nor was a motive discovered. My sincerest wish for him is that he was murdered during a robbery, not because he was trans. I guess we'll never know.

My major dealbreakers:

My tables are generally not cropdust-worthy. My coworkers, on the other hand...

I got mad at yesterday's cohort and basically did everything I could to ruin their days, including stealing every single clean coffee cup (and all the coffee), 75% of the water goblets, and all the cut lemons. Then I farted as much as…

Logically, since I refuse to discuss the current Mr. Brotherjo on Facebook, we'll be happy together forever. Perfect. Thanks, Science!

Hi. I'm a woman on the internet who's turned men down for dates. I have gotten many emails and texts with content similar to the last line of that email. I find it perfectly believable. Unfortunately.