There's this donut shop in town that I love unreasonably. Probably my favorite thing about them is that they printed a negative Yelp review on t-shirts they sell in-store. The reviewer is a self-described "foodie" who didn't care for the donuts so she went to the notoriously crappy fast-food joint down the street…

I won't lie, I kind of love it when idiots I'm thinking about bonking out themselves by saying things like "urban youth." Makes it so much easier to kick them to the curb.

Dude, I was threatened with rape on OkCupid (it was published as a Crap Email From a Dude circa December 2011, actually) and nothing happened to the guy. I reported and blocked him but he continued to look at my profile every week for four months after that.

I thought you ordered eggs up if you wanted the whites runny.

I've worked in restaurants for about 3 years over the course of my life. I'm female. I'm also fat and objectively not attractive. I *personally* have never been sexually harassed on the job. I have intervened when I've seen assholes harass my coworkers and, on several memorable occasions, other customers. It's enough…

See this is why if I'm getting eggs at a restaurant, it's in omelette form. Anything else is too up for interpretation.

The difference is you explain BEFORE your plate has to be refired instead of after.

Nope, Virginia. Assholes are everywhere, sadly.

Yesterday, a very meek woman came in with her very loud girlfriend. Loud One orders an egg and sausage platter with every possible tweak and modification you could think of. Meek one gets the egg plate and specifies she wants her eggs "over medium."

I used to get really bad stomach aches, followed by poops so big my pants were looser afterward. Thanksgiving a few years ago was one such occasion. In the middle of a family tradition in which every one of us individually had to say what we were thankful for, I ended up almost doubled over in pain. I escaped to the…

The Onion is never better than after massive unimaginable tragedies. See also the articles that followed Newtown.

If he's so anti-technology, why does he wear glasses?

I used to have a short list of "do not message me if" things. No smokers, no one in a relationship, no fedoras, no one outside my metro area, etc. Nothing too extreme, I thought. Then I changed my You Should Message Me If section to say, simply, "Fortune favors the brave. No smokers." Like 45 seconds later this dude…

My college held several. They were overall quite fun. This was back in the dark ages of the early 00s, so maybe it's not a thing anymore.

I legit hope my e-ring costs less than this box. The idea of wearing a gigantic diamond terrifies me.

True story, the other night I had a dream that Mr. Brotherjo dumped me because I didn't give "enthusiastic verbal consent" every time we had sex. You know you're a feminist when...

My restaurant's most popular lunch item is a fried green tomato BLT. A lady the other day ordered one with, direct quote, "Nothing green on it." "So a fried green tomato BLT with no fried green tomatoes or lettuce?" "Yes." "Fries on the side?" "No side."

So she (or more likely her company) paid $11 for a bacon and mayo…

Librarians. Blame/thank Giles.

The current Mr. Brotherjo has a master's in library science and I feel very strongly I should never dump him ever.

Also: almost but not quite having unprotected sex when we really should be using condoms. And sometimes I get really turned on when I'm angrily fighting red tape (such as…

Best name I have ever seen (and I can verify this is true, although I can't really say how) is Adorable Orca.

I had a really dumb husky growing up, like bark-at-the-wall-at-2am dumb. Once while my dad and I were walking her and the other dog, she ate a used condom off the sidewalk. It was mortifying.

PS - it passed, intact but bleached, a couple of days later.