I had a really dumb husky growing up, like bark-at-the-wall-at-2am dumb. Once while my dad and I were walking her and the other dog, she ate a used condom off the sidewalk. It was mortifying.

PS - it passed, intact but bleached, a couple of days later.

I'm a server and I'd rather you ask then go into shock.

I had a kid the other day with a severe seafood allergy. He ordered fries with his meal. No problem, right? Well I told the kitchen the ticket had an allergy and that's how I learned the fries are cooked in the same container as the fried seafood we serve. I never…

I sent something back tonight, which I very very rarely do, being a server myself. But it wasn't what I ordered and it had an ingredient in it I loathe, so. The server was rude about it but the manager was very kind. And the plate I did eventually eat was fresh and fantastic.

I am reasonably certain my sister's tux Fred is my soulmate. He's 15 or so and definitely slowing down. His teeth are worn down and he's probably going blind. Three years ago, I went through the worst breakup of my life and (unrelatedly) Fred almost died, all in the same week. I would have lost my shit completely if…

Last night I served a lady who put sour cream on her hamburger.

A specialty of the restaurant I work in is a fried green tomato BLT. It's the fucking tits. Today some weirdo at a business lunch ordered the BLT "with nothing green on it, just bacon and mayo." "So no fried green tomatoes or lettuce on the fried green…

Good luck!

I used to work in public health administration. My office gave grants to free clinics, basically. People would call me 5-20 times a day looking for a free clinic they could go to. It's important to note that while I worked there (2009-2012), most of the local clinics were struggling to handle their current patient…

I see what you're getting at, but personally I prefer anonymity for my own safety. I'm the only person in the world with my name, and it's way too easy to find me if you know even just my first name and the city I live in. I don't even like that I have to wear a nametag at work TBH.

Nope. Nooooope. Not okay. Too many of my favorite actors are dying too close together.

See, this is why I refuse to bag up people's food for them. I drop a box, you take what you want, we both know I haven't attempted to fuck with it, everyone is happy.

Ever wonder why so many of your best commenters left?

During a really bad time about 7 years ago I got incredibly desperate and took out a payday loan. I paid it off immediately and then a month later had to do it again. Again I paid it off immediately. I will never, ever do it again. I cried for hours after each visit to the loan store.

I am extraordinarily lucky that I…

A guide to splitting the check: don't. Ever.

Unless you're the awesome ladies at table 24 tonight who split the check evenly 5 ways and all vastly overtipped. You totally made up for the three, count 'em, three tables who left 10% and acted like they did me a fucking favor. But everyone else, just fucking work it out…

This just happened yesterday.

I've been using OkC on and off for about 10 years. I'm good at getting into relationships with guys who can't sustain them, womp womp. I refired my account about a month ago after getting dumped in a really dumb way. I decided I would only contact men who were within my age range (-2 to +9), in my general vicinity,…

"What's the largest pizza you have?"
"That would be a large, 16"."
"Got anything bigger?"

Oh god, I dated a dude with a micropenis for 10 months. We never had PIV, he wouldn't even try. The rest was decent, but the lack of physical intimacy led to a lack of emotional intimacy and eventually I realized I was actively seeking out a new boyfriend while we were still together so to avoid cheating I dumped him.…

My buddy Rob used to have a boyfriend who whinnied when he climaxed.

The last guy I was with had been involuntarily celibate for a multitude of years before we met. He was also on anti-depressants. He did not tell me any of this. So when he couldn't stay hard or finish basically every time we had sex, I thought it was…

I am 100000% inviting RBG to my wedding. Hell, she can officiate. Sotomayor, Kagen, and O'Connor can be bridesmaids.

Virginia is THE WORST. Employees have no rights, basically.