Ditto. Turns my bed into a fart pod.

An Incomplete List Of Things That Will Make Me, A Guy, Want To Fuck:

Shallots are the sexiest member of the allium family (in the sense that, like, homemade shallots, garlic, broccoli and lemon over a bed of angel hair is more likely to set the mood than, say, some penne and jarred alfredo), but I’d like to meet the person, male or female, who can down an entire dish of creamy pasta…

I’m happily in a relationship, but I respect the spiciness of your meatballs.

theres the pasta you make, and the pasta i make...but then theres the pasta we make together.

*ahem* and uh, which tea did you say this was? Asking for a friend. I never poop. Like, ever. I have to take Miralax and my husband makes fun of my tiny, squiggly poops. I have been to doctors and had blood work done, and NOTHING.

If you’re inviting someone over for dinner and they’re still not interested in fucking, maybe it would be better to leave off the mind-control pasta and find someone who is into you.

i really want to watch old seasons of project runway...season 2 to be exact.

You underestimate how much we live for the validation of our leaders.

Yes. Yes, we are.

This works too.

cheesy pasta does not, under any circumstances, lead to good sex.

Look at this shit, I mean, just look at these people. This is their life, to just look “good” and stupidly pose to shill random shit they don’t even use. I try to not think about the Kardashians but seeing this really bugs me. Why are you making them so rich, America???????????

Hmmm. You might be onto something here.

But on the real though, haven't we all had a mental breakdown at a wing establishment. I'm still banned from my local Buffalo Wild Wings.

I have had this happen to me as well. I can’t say that this is always how it works but it was clear to me that the student who pulled this on me just simply didn’t want to have to deal with the film I was showing. I say this because the week before I showed a film where she was amongst the students who complained that…

WALMART. I can’t even see that company’s name without experiencing a spike in blood pressure. Y’all remember when Sam was still alive and almost everything in that store was made in the US? Then he died and his kids took over and sent our manufacturing jobs overseas, costing Americans their employment and tanking…

I don’t trust Hispanics in politics. For one thing they are often biased on matters of immigration and labor laws and for another they can turn from robots into cars at will. And I don’t know about you guys, but I just don’t trust any politician who can also transform into my taxi cab. Or forces me to ride inside him…

You missed the best thing this morning.