RIP Neil Simon. You’re homeward bound for that big scarborough fair in the sky now.

It takes lots of hard training bruh!

I wonder if Pearl Jam ever did a show in Spokane where Eddie sang the city’s name repeatedly during that one part of “Jeremy.”

I can tell the difference because of how gangster and thug the singer from Train is.

Well, maybe it was just too highbrow for you, you friggin’ turd.

But that’s when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side. From the Kevin J. Anderson you didn’t even know was there.

“How do I fix an awkward situation between grandma and the server?”

Some comedians don’t. Other comedians do! It’s sort of like how some toilet paper is bad and scratchy, but other toilet paper is soft and nice. Overall, it’s better to have toilet paper than to not have toilet paper, despite the fact that some toilet paper is bad.

I am an engineer for a big government contracting company, so the majority of my co-workers are Republican, because they know who butters their bread. But it amazes me how many of these skilled, college educated people believe the propaganda about how the Mueller investigation is a witch hunt and how Trump actually…

They could just film Harrison Ford all the time, then cut it up and release 2 hours worth at a time in an unending series of regarding henry sequels. Because that's who that guy is now, his henry character from the movie regarding henry, after he got shot, that's who Harrison Ford is now. 

Hah! Decent, but not great, parody.

Those are some fine, fine boys you’ve put before me. Let me get a good look at those boys... yep! Those are the kind of boys you’re proud to take home to mama. 

So what you’re saying is this Goldberg guy is some kind of rube?

A Bryan Goldberg machine is a device designed to perform a simple task incorrectly.

If you hear the kids talking about hoobastank, you might think they are into drugs, but the reality is much, much worse.

Oh okay, fine, you can find technical situations where you can say the n-word. Don’t you feel wonderful? The sun is shining again. What will you do with this knowledge?  

Her day off was for policing. But her racism is a full time job. 

I think the “dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s” sounds a lot like someone’s Dad who made up a dumb false thing that everyone just accepted because otherwise they would have to accept that Dad frenched the dog.

Wut?