I feel like all of the names in this story are made up

Lead us not into relegation, and deliver us from Europa. Amen.

On the flip side, I’m really hoping the Vegas Stadium is named “PornHub Coliseum.”

♫There must be....50 Ways to Lose Your Striker

Wow, Nevada Grassie! Loved you in Raiders of the Lost Bong but Temple of Doob was my favorite.

The Dallas Creamer, AKA America’s Cream.

From the side he looks like Great Value Ryan Gosling

Yes, Mkhitaryan was offside. I don’t care, though, because..... 

I’m a Kings fan and I hate the liberties Quick takes in situations like this.

I wish I could star this more.

The Winnipeg Jets are far more entertaining.

I was honestly clicking on this page to see what negative spin Deadspin would put on a nice win by United. Every article Deadspin wrote about United has been about United’s demise or overpaying for Martial (joke’s on you there). You need a United fan to put Arseholes in check.

That’s the Twitter equivalent of selling someone’s mom to ISIS for a Chipotle gift card.

Human enjoyment of bloodsport goes back to prehistory. I’m not going to feel bad for enjoying boxing. It’s a step up from cockfighting, bear-baiting, and the NFL.

I picked St. Pauli because of their weird brown uniform and their socialist/hipster culture. I kinda regret it.

Jesus, Lahey, you gotta learn to pace yourself.

You run in -15 degree weather? Wow, now I am insecure about my sexuality

YOU TRIGGERED ME CIS SCUM

He is a hero who tried to rid the world of bad coffee! I for one will not sit here and listen to this slander. I’m going to go drive a car into a Tim Hortons out of solidarity!